Category: Challenge w/o Challenging Stories

Falling Asleep and the Keys to the Kingdom of Heaven

Note: If you would prefer to listen to this, the podcast version is at the bottom of this post.

Are you missing important clues that can guide you on your life journey?

Do you sometimes sleep-run through your days, your mind filled with all you have to do, not noticing the people and particulars around you?

And truthfully…do you only half-listen to those speaking to you?

When we do these things, we fail to notice important clues the universe provides us. Just as the hero on the Hero’s Journey must remain alert for clues that can mean life or death, we must remain alert if we are to recognize clues to important issues we are wrestling with. We must practice being present if we are to hear answers to questions we’ve been asking.

When we navigate our days on autopilot, when we remain lost in our thoughts and our drama, we tune out potentially life-altering perspectives and wisdom, offered in the form of throw away lines from the person who chats us up at Starbucks, or the unexpected experience in the checkout line.

I was reminded of the importance of staying awake and practicing the discipline of mindfulness at the 2013 Wisdom 2.0 conference in San Francisco.

At the conference, I attended a lunchtime webcast presentation by Eckhart Tolle. The webcast was held in a cavernous hall of the exhibition center in San Francisco. Between the timing—right after lunch—my brain being on information overload, the live cast being held in a dark hall, and… Eckhart Tolle having shall we say…a low-key, hypnotic presentational style, I found it hard to stay focused on what he was saying.

OK, to be truthful, I found it hard to stay awake.

My mind drifted, farther and farther afield until I was semi-conscious. Suddenly, my torpid slumber was pierced by these words “…and when you can do that, you will have the key to the kingdom of Heaven.”

What was that?

The key to the kingdom of Heaven?

Did he just say “that’s how you get the keys to the kingdom of Heaven”?

What is it that you have to do to have those Key?

In a nanosecond, I had shifted from a somnolent lump to a full on, hyper-alert student.

But it was too late.

He had moved on.

I turned to the woman next to me, confessed I had been dozing and asked her what the keys to the kingdom of Heaven were.

She didn’t know. She too had been asleep.

While hungering for what Eckhart Tolle had said, I also stood back and smiled at what a great metaphor my experience was for how we miss out on important messages—messages that might prove life-changing–when we are not awake, when we are not present.

Even more interestingly, when I did an internet search on Eckhart Tolle and “keys to the kingdom of Heaven”, here’s what I found at http://voices.yahoo.com/eckhart-tolle-god-5887512.html?cat=34

In Eckhart Tolle’s philosophy, accessing the now is the key to the kingdom. Only when a person is “present”, and therefore free of the clamor of incessant thought, is he really conscious in any meaningful way. In that state all of life’s riddles and complications melt away like butter in a flame.

In another article Ekharte Tolle and the Kingdom of Heaven Within, Eric Nelson adds the piece “within”, as in “being present is the key to the kingdom of heaven within.”

How ironic that the very thing I was NOT doing was what Ekhart Tolle had been saying was “the key to the kingdom of Heaven within.”

So…where and when are you not as present as you might be? What opportunities await you, that…if you remain awake, present, and mindful…you will gain access to the kingdom of Heaven within?

Storytellers Note: While I hope you enjoyed this story for its own message, I also encourage you to examine it as a model for stories you can “catch” and tell. Notice:

It was a simple experience, yet it contained an important message.

It was an experience that triggered bemusement and curiosity. These are often great experiences to use as stories because they can be used to add more punch to a teaching point, get people thinking, or provide a new perspective in a fun, engaging way.
It was an example of how you can use a self-deprecating story to challenge someone. So for instance, if I were coaching someone and wanted to challenge them to be more present and to be aware of what they were missing because they weren’t present, I could tell this story. Because it’s about ME not being present, I get my message across without taking a one-up “I’m the guru here” position or like I am admonishing them. Instead, the subtext of the message is “I am relating to you as a fellow traveler”.

So…how about if you pay special attention to things that happen in the next few days that leave you feeling bemused, curious, or surprised and then think about how you might use them as a teaching or coaching story….

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Feb 13, 2014 | 0 comments View Post

How NOT to Lose a Sale: a Self-Disclosure Story by Peter Bregman

Note from David: Before you get to the story, if you want to learn more about Self-Disclosure Stories and the Hows and Whys of using them, read How to Use Self-Disclosure Stories to Foster Self-Awareness.

Also, please note, this post is like all the stories I share or ask others to share on this site. It is meant to teach on two levels.

First, the content itself is meant to be helpful. That being said, not every topic covered in every story is relevant to every reader. However, the STRUCTURE and USE of that story genre is relevant to anyone who wants to learn storytelling.

That brings us the second, and main purpose, of sharing the story in this post.

Each post is designed to demonstrate story genres you can use and how to use them. So even if the content does not directly seem relevant to you, you can use the example as a prototype for coming up with your own versions. So for instance, even if you think “Well, I’m not a sales person, so losing a sale is not relevant to me”, the structure and application of this story will still be very useful to you.

This post is by Peter Bregman, author of 18 Minutes: Find Your Focus, Master Distraction, and Get the Right Things Done. He is an strategic advisor to executives, a keynote speaker (see his TedTalks on Youtube) and columnist for Harvard Business Review.

OK…now for the story….

How NOT to Lose a Sale

by Peter Bregman

Robyn*, a close friend of mine and senior leader at a large pharmaceutical company, referred me to work with Dan, the CEO of one of her company’s subsidiaries and someone she knew well. She would arrange for the three of us to meet. The lead wasn’t just warm; it was hot.

During the sales process I made a series of decisions, all of which felt — in fact, still feel — eminently reasonable. Here’s what happened:

With Dan’s permission, Robyn and I met several times before the meeting to discuss Dan and his situation. Dan was new to his role as CEO and needed to step up in tricky circumstances. By the time I met with him, I understood his challenges and it was clear that they fit squarely in my sweet spot as an advisor.
The day of the meeting, Robyn and Dan were running behind schedule. We had planned for 60 minutes but now only had 20. “No problem,” I told them, “I’ve been briefed about the situation, so we can cut to the chase.”
I sat down in an empty office chair which happened to be uncomfortably low to the ground and I instinctively raised the seat to the level at which I normally sit.
Dan started the conversation with a compliment about my latest book and told me how much he enjoyed my blog posts, which reinforced my decision to “cut to the chase.”
I explained briefly what I knew about his situation and when he acknowledged that I understood it, I launched into how I would approach it.
At one point, Dan asked me a question and I hesitated before answering. Robyn suggested that we discuss it later but I didn’t want to disappoint so I thanked her but said I’d be happy to share my thoughts and I did.

Nothing I did or said or thought or felt was dramatically off base. In fact, each step — each choice I made — was practical, sensible, and appropriate from my perspective.

Which is precisely why I crashed.

I was operating from my perspective. But Dan wasn’t. He was operating from his perspective. And from his perspective, the fact that I was operating from my perspective was a deal-breaker.

The problem? I wasn’t attuned.

Daniel Pink, in his excellent book To Sell Is Human: The Surprising Truth About Moving Others, calls attunement one of the three most valuable qualities you need to move others. (Pink talked about this in a recent HBR Ideacast.)

Essentially, attunement is being in synch with who’s and what’s around you. When you’re in attunement, you’re curious. You ask questions, you listen to the answers, and you empathize.

I might have been attuned to the challenges Dan was facing — but everything I did and said indicated that I wasn’t attuned to Dan. Or even to Robyn.

According to Pink, the first rule of attunement is to reduce your power. You do that by letting go of your perspective, which opens space for you to share the perspective of others. Pink quoted one highly successful salesperson who related this to humility. Great sales people, she said, take the attitude, “I’m sitting in the small chair so you can sit in the big chair.”

I did the opposite. I raised my seat, literally and figuratively. I took control of the conversation, sidelined Robyn when she suggested we talk later, and spent what little time I had trying to prove to Dan that I understood it all and I was the right guy to help.

I was too easily flattered by Dan’s comment about my book, too rushed by our time crunch, and too eager to impress both Robyn and Dan. I tried so hard to prove my competence that I came off as incompetent. Maybe not in terms of my solution, but certainly in terms of our relationship.

I acted with the sensibility of an extrovert, which is typically assumed to offer a strong sales advantage. But Pink’s research suggests that being extroverted can actually be a liability. Why? Because too often we talk when we should be listening.

To the extent that I listened at all, I was listening to gather enough information so I could make a case to Dan that I could solve his problem. In other words, I was listening simply to empower my speaking.

But why didn’t that work? Wasn’t Dan looking for information about me and what I might do for him?

Maybe. But he as much as told me told me he knew enough about me from my writing, just like I knew a lot about him from my conversations with Robyn. No, Dan didn’t really want to hear me speak. He wanted to hear me listen.

What Dan was really looking to figure out — what most people are looking to figure out — is what it would feel like to work together. And what I showed him in our brief conversation is that it would feel like some expert coming in and telling him what he should do.

If I were Dan, I wouldn’t hire me either.

What would I do differently next time? I would sit in the chair I was offered and listen to Dan tell his story. Then I would ask him a number of questions to make sure I could see the situation with his eyes, analyze it from his point of view, and feel his emotions. I would attune to him.

That would require that I let go of my agenda, stop trying to get hired, give up trying to quickly and smartly summarize what Dan needed, and cease trying to prove myself.

My goal, the entire purpose of my presence, would be to connect.

If I did that well, I wouldn’t have to worry about showing him what I was capable of. There would be plenty of time for that later — once we started working together.

*Names and some details changed

Article originally published in the Harvard Business Review

For another one of Peter’s excellent stories check out the post Using Stories to Foster Vulnerability and Self-Discovery

About Peter Bregman: He is the author, most recently, of 18 Minutes: Find Your Focus, Master Distraction, and Get the Right Things Done, winner of the Gold medal from the Axiom Business Book awards, named the best business book of the year on NPR, and selected by Publisher’s Weekly and the New York Post as a top 10 business book. He is also the author of Point B: A Short Guide to Leading a Big Change and co-author of five other books. Featured on PBS, ABC and CNN, Peter is a regular contributor to Harvard Business Review, Fast Company, Forbes, National Public Radio (NPR), Psychology Today, and CNN as well as a weekly commentator on Fox Business News.

Apr 20, 2013 | 0 comments View Post

An amazing Origin Story: Vivienne, Audrey and Make a Stand Lemon-aid

Get ready for a great example of an Origin Story.

This is one of the most important stories to have in your storytelling quiver, especially if you are a solopreneur with a big message. It’s also important for leaders of organizations to have both their personal Origin Story and an organizational Origin Story (like Ari Weinzweig of Zingerman’s does).

This story is also a great example of a story that can be used to challenge someone’s self-limiting belief about being “too small” to make a difference in this big, complex world.

So, here’s what happened…

While walking around the exhibitor area of the Wisdom 2.0 conference in San Francisco recently, I stumbled upon a sight I had never encountered at a conference: a brightly colored lemonade stand.

My gaze also encountered another unfamiliar exhibition hall sight: a princess in a princess gown.

The princess’s name, I discovered, was Vivienne Harr. With her was Tony Daniel, a big magnetically cheerful guy. I soon learned that Tony was the dad of Vivienne’s co-founder, Audrey Daniel.

I asked him about the story of Make a Stand Lemon-aid.

I was so taken by what he shared, I asked him and Vivienne if I could do a recording of them telling their story.

After you watch the video, I’ll share with you some thoughts about how to use what you saw, heard, and experienced.

Here are a few storytelling lessons and applications:

This is a great example of a brief version of an Origin Story.

Notice how Tony was able to capture the origin of Make a Stand Lemonade and the purpose behind it, in about a minute. Whether you present at an event or talk with someone at your vendor booth, you infuse your message with more meaning—and you make it more fascinating—when you describe briefly the story behind why your business exists, the story behind why you do what you do. You also make it easier for people to bond to you when they know your story.

Telling your story begins the Know, Like, Trust process critical to selling your products, services, and ideas.

So…to put this into practice, start working on your Origin Story. For another example of an Origin Story, you can read mine.

This is a great example of a story you can to use to challenge someone’s limiting perspectives, especially the perspective of “I’m too small” or “I’m just a ‘little person’…I can’t make a difference in this big, complex world.”

The Make a Stand Lemon-aid story is a great example of what I call a Perspective Shift story, which is one of the most powerful story genres you can use when coaching or mentoring someone.

With Perspective Shift stories, rather than simply challenging someone’s limiting belief or perspective—which only triggers resistance and defensiveness—you can instead tell them a story that offers a different perspective. I especially like Vivienne and the Make a Stand folk’s story because it is both sweet and charming and…incredibly inspiring.

Think about it, how can you convince yourself you can’t make a difference in the world as an adult, when you hear how two adorable little girls have already made a difference and they’re not even teenagers.

It kind of takes away our excuses.

So how can you apply this in your work? Start noticing and collecting stories of “average” people making a difference, “regular” people doing big things.

Then, when you’re working with someone who believes they are too “small” (or old, or not well educated enough, etc) to make a difference, share with them one or more of these stories.

Doing so can help shift their emotional state and perspective from “I can’t” to “I can.”

If you work inside an organization and your work involves cultivating employee engagement, notice the question I asked Vivienne.

Even though Vivienne’s story is not an example of a story you would use to foster employee engagement, the question I asked her should be included in the stories you use to show employees how the work they do makes a difference.

You want to ask the story teller “How did that make you feel?” along with “What did that mean to you?” for key Moments of Truth in the experience they’re telling you about. Doing this guides the speaker to share at a more personal, intimate level. This helps the listener bond with the speaker.

It helps them form an empathetic connection with the speaker, because they are hearing about the speaker’s inner world. Although Vivienne’s story is not an example of a customer story, asking the question I asked her, along with “What did that mean to you?” question, makes customer stories more meaningful to employees. Haring how customers felt when an employee did X or because the company did Y, and hearing what it meant to the customer, helps employees understand the impact of their work at a deeper, more emotional, more visceral level. Hearing about the impact their work makes helps infuse employees’ work with greater meaning and purpose, which is a fundamental driver of employee motivation.

Research by Dr. Adam Grant, of Wharton Business School has shown that when employees are directly exposed to customer stories about the difference their work makes, it translates into major increases in productivity. In fact, in one research study, exposing employees to a five minute customer story resulted in a 400% increase in revenues generated.

So…if you don’t have one, get crackin’ on that Origin Story.

You can learn more about the Make a Stand story and the good they doing at their site.

Here’s their video:

Make a Stand Lemon-aid: “Hope in a Bottle” from Vivienne Harr on Vimeo.

Mar 24, 2013 | 2 comments View Post

How to use a story to impact at the visceral level, rather than just at the intellectual…

I just heard a great example of someone turning a truism one might know intellectually into something that hits you at the visceral level, by using a story.

I was re-listening to David Neagle’s teleseminar series The Miracle of Money (which is outstanding, BTW…I think it’s something we should teach in our schools) and came upon this story from the bible he tells to illustrate a point.

Basically, he was talking about how you can’t just affirm into existence what you want–a la The Secret–and hope for a miracle. But, that you must engage in what he calls “miracle making activities”. He talks about how when we try to affirm things like “I am in great shape” or “My business is growing” but do nothing to make those happen, our subconscious mind is thinking “That’s BS…you don’t mean it and you don’t believe it.”

While you might think this is common sense:

1. There are a lot of people who believe that simply affirming things over and over will miraculously make them happen.

2. There are a lot of people who live their lives acting as if, without action, good things will happen.

To be honest, I’ve done #2 more times than I would like to admit, so I felt somewhat “busted” as he talked about this.

But, I found the way he framed it in a biblical story especially powerful.

As I heard the story again, it hit home at a deeper level and…made me think “I want to share this with my storytelling folks as a great example of how to use a story to make your idea, which could easily be taken as nothing new and common sense, and make it come alive…and make it hit at a visceral level…not just an intellectual level.”

Listen to the story and notice the power it adds to the concept.

Then think about concepts you want to teach and how you can use stories like this to make them “stickier” (as in Made to Stick by Chip and Dan Heath)

You can literally listen to the audio excerpt at the bottom of this post, or…read it:

The other story is one that comes out of Christian scripture. It‘s where Christ was in a home. It says he was teaching to the family in this home, and the multitude was out around the home.

What‘s the multitude? According to the Bible, the multitude was hundreds or thousands of people. They gathered around the home in hopes of many different things. Some wanted teaching from Christ. Some wanted healing from Christ. They all wanted to get something from him, so they were standing outside the home waiting in hopes that they might get something from him.

There was a family that lived a few miles away. The family had a dying father, and they had gotten word that Christ was teaching in this home just a few miles away.

They put the father in a cart and carted over to the home. When they got there, they can‘t get to the door because the multitude was standing all around the house.

What they did was said, ―Father will have his healing.

They climbed up and hoisted the father onto the roof of the home. They ripped off the top of the roof and lowered the father down in front of Christ to get the healing. The father was healed.

For everybody else on the outside around the home, if you were ask if they wanted their healing, would say, ―Yes, please,‖ but they just stood there. The person who really wanted it spent their time in miracle-generating activities. They would not be denied success in the healing of the father, so they found a way where there was no way.

They could have got there and said, ―We can‘t get through these thousands of people. He‘s busy. Maybe we‘d be disturbing him.‖ Some of you are afraid to make phone calls and call people because you‘re disturbing people.

In the Christian religion, Christ is the son of God, and these people had no problem bothering the son of God or ripping off the roof of the house to lower him to the son of God. They weren‘t afraid to be ashamed, embarrassed or told no.

They said, ―We will have our healing. We will have our abundance. We‘re not going to be weak of heart and mind. We‘re not going to be distracted by all the people who don‘t have the confidence to go in and ask for and demand what they want. We will have it.‖ Christ granted their request.

Christ‘s story is very interesting. If you look throughout the Bible, you realize there were only a few people Christ actually healed. At some point, you have to ask yourself why. If Christ had the power to heal all of humanity, why did he come here and just heal a few?

You don‘t find him healing anybody who didn‘t go through great pains in order to ask him to heal. That‘s the difference between really desiring what you want and just slightly wanting it because you don‘t like what your situation is presenting.

© 2011 Life Is Now, Inc * 500 North Michigan Avenue, Suite 300 * Chicago, IL 60611 Ph / fax 888-720-7117

For more of David Neagle’s work, go to DavidNeagle.com.

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Jan 30, 2013 | 2 comments View Post

Focus is the # 1 Thing…except when it’s not: Perspective Shift with Twitter founder Evan William

I just came across a great example of a “Perspective Shift Story” in an article by Evan Williams in the February issue of Inc. magazine.

While the content of the perspective shift is interesting to me–as someone with multiple interests and finding it hard to choose just one–it’s the structure I want US to focus on.

Most of the article was about the importance of focusing. He gives the example of an earlier company he started, Odeo, that failed because they tried to be “the podcasting company” rather than focus on one product and do it better than anyone else.

They didn’t focus, though on one thing, they instead tried to be all things podcast.

Then came iTunes.

Need I say more?

So…the whole article is about focus until…he get’s to this point:

The irony, of course, is that both Blogger and Twitter started as side projects. If I had been absolutely focused on the main project, they might never have happened. So, there is something to be said for knowing when you’re locked in to the right problem.

Fortunately to those struggling with the “do I get narrow or stay multidimensional?” issue, he offers some advice:

To me, that comes down to the gut. The things that keep nagging at you are the ones worth exploring.

Again…forget the content for a moment and think of the structure:

1. Idea A is the way to go

2. Beaucoup evidence backing that assertion up.

3. Idea B which totally contradicts Idea A is presented with extremely compelling evidence to back IT up.

4. Invitation to practice discernment and…not buy into every “great” idea an “expert” states as a truth.

So how and when to use this?

1. When you want someone to break free from a “there’s only one right way…tell it to me” mentality
2. When you want to help someone breakout of their own “this is the right way” mentality and see that their way could be right and…there could be equally valid approaches and perspectives.

Jan 25, 2013 | 2 comments View Post

Discovering What’s Right: The story of Ricochet the SURfice Dog

The story of Ricochet who failed as a service dog is heart warming and is worth watching for that reason alone.

If we use it as a teaching story–for ourselves and others–it also holds helpful reminders for anyone dealing with any of the following:

You feel challenged by someone’s shortcomings and can’t seem to see their talents, gifts, and “good side”.
You are on the receiving end of the above.
You’ve been trying to force yourself to fit into a job, career, or life, and it doesn’t seem to work for you, and you wonder what’s wrong with you.

Dec 24, 2012 | 0 comments View Post

Legend in Their Own Mind Syndrome: How to use stories to (gently) challenge this

Here’s an example of using a story to prompt self-reflection and foster self-awareness. I sometimes tell this story when doing programs on how to work with people having different personality styles.

It enables me to present a couple of messages indirectly that, if I said directly, might be too hard to hear for the people who most need to hear them. By using a story, I can get the points across in a safe, non-confrontational way.

See if you can intuit what those messages are before I talk about them in this post.

Also, notice that the story taps into a common fear of people, which increases the odds that it will have an immediate impact and will be remembered.

See if you can identify that fear.

So…here’s the story…

I was just reflecting on a poignant experience I had with a group of managers a while back. We were exploring how to identify and work with different behavioral styles.

As part of the program, people sorted themselves into one of four styles, using the DISC profile. They then answered a series of questions, like “If you want to annoy me when talking with me, do this” and “This is how I like to be delegated to…”

Then, representatives of each style lined up in front of the room and we went down the list of questions. So for each question, the audience could compare how each style responded.

A young woman, who we’ll call Deb, represented the D’s or Drivers. If you’re not familiar with the DISC profile, Drivers tend to be very forceful, direct, no nonsense people. When they lack self-awareness, they can be overly blunt, harsh, and insensitive.

When Deb would share the D’s response to the questions, she frequently included comments like “Of course we’re right” and other self-congratulatory type responses. A couple of times, the group actually gasped at her remarks. While I obviously don’t know what they were thinking as they gasped in horror, I could guess based on my perceptions…and frankly…judgments.

Number one, I was taken aback at just how pleased she was with herself.

Number two, I was taken aback by her lack of self-awareness that the things she was saying were so unflattering. They were the kinds of things that would be best not shared, even if you think them.

Her lack of self-awareness was truly stunning.

But then…maybe she was NOT so unaware.

When the exercise was over, I asked people to get into small groups to process what take away messages they had gotten.

I happened to be near her and her group and as I observed, I noticed the facial expression on this overly confident acting, seemingly full-of-herself woman.

She looked stricken.

She then shared with her group, something to this effect: “You know how there are things you think are really cool about yourself…and then you can see from people’s reactions that maybe they’re not…?”

While on one hand, I felt sorry for her because of the obvious pain she was feeling. On the other hand, I was so glad for her. She had gotten feedback that, if she uses it, can literally change the course of her life.

It made me think about how we each can be speaking and acting in ways that turn off others, and be totally unaware of that…and totally unaware of the price we are paying for those behaviors.

We might not even know that people don’t ask us to participate in projects, or ask for our opinions, or share openly with us. We might not know how we have damaged relationships—whether personal or professional—by our communication and relationship style.

This why it is so important to:

1) Practice mindfulness in our actions with others.

2) Learn about our behavioral and personality style (whether DISC, Myers Briggs, or the myriad of other inventories) and our potential blind spots.

3) Seek feedback, both anonymously and directly.

So…there you have it.

A “Self-Awareness Building” Story you can model.

Questions:

What fear does the story tap into, that increases it’s motivational value? In other words, it makes it more likely that people will listen to, and be affected by, the story?
What situations do you find yourself in where you need people to be more self-aware of how they come across and perhaps the “emotional wake” they leave?
What versions of this story or other examples of “Self-Awareness Stories” can you think of?

Oct 31, 2012 | 8 comments View Post

“What are you continuing to do, that’s not working?”

I had an interesting experience recently listening to a friend share an “Ah ha” experience.

It was interesting because it was a great example of how telling a story—especially a self-deprecating story—can be a disarming way to communicate a hard-to-hear message.

When you tell a self-deprecating story about yourself learning a hard lesson or a story about confronting yourself, the other person can hear the take-away-message much more easily than if you said: “You know, you need to…”

The Message Gets Lost Because of How It Was Delivered

Think of how you react when people “get all in your face” about something, when they tell you their point of view or give unsolicited advice in a bossy, know-it-all way.

Even if their observation or feedback is valid, because you felt attacked, you defended.

Often when this happens, we dismiss the message because we didn’t like how it was delivered.

Because their tone and/or words seemed either too judgmental, too one-up, or presumptuous –“Who do they think they are lecturing me on this!?”—we focus on the delivery and ignore the wisdom of the message.

We can avoid that mistake when we’re the ones delivering a hard-to-hear message by sharing self-deprecating stories. They communicate both mutuality—“I don’t think of myself as better”—and vulnerability, often in an amusing, engaging ways.

They personify the old Firesign Theatre saying “We’re all Bozos on this bus.”

Here’s the Story

My friend called me to say he had an epiphany.

He said he found himself doing something that he often counsels his clients to do, but hadn’t been doing himself.

He asked himself: “What are you STILL doing…even though it’s not working?”

He then shared ruefully “I figured if I’m telling my clients to ask themselves that, I better be drinking my own Kool Aid.”

As he shared this, I found myself thinking “Hmmm. What are YOU, David, still doing right now…even though it isn’t working?”

Notice what happened.

He Was Confronting HIMSELF, But What Did I Do?

He didn’t tell me to examine what I was still doing that wasn’t working. He just shared how he asked that himself.

However, it’s human nature to connect what others say to our own experience.

Think about what happens with you when someone tells you about something that they’re dealing with or something that happened to them. Many times, you automatically think about our own version of their experience.

When You Talk about Something, THEY Start Thinking About THAT Something

Even when someone doesn’t make the connection consciously, they are probably making the connection unconsciously.

Dr. Milton Erickson, the legendary hypnotherapist whose method of therapeutic storytelling I studied for years, used to say something like “If you want your patient to think about and talk about their childhood…tell them something about yours.”

So…if you want your coaching client to do some soul-searching or self-examination, you can share an example of how you did that.

“So I said to him…” Stories Deliver a Strong Message in a Gentle Way

Also, my friend’s story is a version of what I call “So I said to him…” stories. This is essentially what students of Dr. Erickson called “My friend Joe” stories and “talking in quotes.” Dr. Erickson would tell stories of what he said to other people as a way to deliver a message the patient wasn’t ready to hear directly.

Here’s an example of what such a story might sound like:

“I was getting really concerned about how much effort she was putting into convincing herself that she couldn’t take that next step…and NO effort into exploring what she might be able to do to take that next step….

… so I said to her ‘What would happen if you stopped telling yourself you can’t do it…if you STOP RIGHT NOW…and instead, explored with me about what small steps you CAN TAKE RIGHT NOW… steps that would steer you in the direction of what you want in your life…are you willing to do that?’ She took a deep breath and said ‘OK’ and she started to throw out possible next steps. Where only minutes before, she saw no options, suddenly she was seeing things she could do….”*

Now you could directly challenge someone with that message: “What would happen if you stopped telling yourself you can’t do it…if you…”

Some people would be willing to hear it and take it in.

Others might politely go along with you, but their heart wouldn’t be in the exploring, because they felt too challenged and too in need of defending their inability to move forward.

Others would simply shut down and tune you out.

It’s Just a Story…

But…because you’re telling it in a story, there’s nothing for them to defend against, and because of that, they can take in the message.

Back to my friend’s story. It was a “cousin” of the “So I said to him…” story genre, because it was actually what he said to himself.

By the way, notice that because I am now telling YOU the story that he told ME, it’s now technically a “So my friend said to himself…” story.

So, What Does This All Mean to You?

Four things to reflect on about this simple, very short story.

Often a challenging message that might trigger defensiveness is best delivered in a “So I said to him…” or “So I said to myself…” story.
Notice how the above story is a great example of how you can use a very simple and very brief story to deliver a powerful message.
When you’re the fallible person in the story, rather than the all-knowing wise one who is teaching someone else (as some personal development guru stories are), your modeling fallibility and authenticity makes it easier for the listener to acknowledge theirs.
Reflect on the message in my friend’s story. That’s one of the reasons why I wanted to share that particular story with you. BTW… I’m still reflecting on, and working with it…

*Any guesses why I used that example? If you do, please post in comments section.

Also…if you want to become an even better storyteller, check out Storytelling for Leaders which is on sale until Sept 30th.

Sep 19, 2012 | 0 comments View Post