Category: Analogies

What’s Your Handstand?

While I hope you take in the message in this post, I am also sharing it as an example of using an analogy to dramatize a point and–hopefully–make it “stickier.”

 

I’ve been reading Peter Bregman’s excellent book 18 Minutes: Find Your Focus, Master Distraction, and Get the Right Things Done, which blends compelling “slice of life” stories with wise lessons. I highly recommend it.

You know that saying “You had me at ‘Hello’”? Well he had me at the chapter title: “Anyone can do a handstand.” In that chapter, he talked about the process of learning how to do handstands as an adult.

I loved reading about that because I too wanted to learn how to do a handstand as an adult. In fact a few years ago when I got intensely involved in improving my fitness and athleticism, one of my goals was (and is) to be able to walk on my hands. I haven’t gotten there yet, but I can do a handstand and hold it for several seconds before tipping over.

Enough About Me…What About You…

Before I tell you about the process I went through, I want to ask you to think about something you would like to be able to do, but at the moment, you believe is beyond your ability.

Perhaps it was a job or career change.

Perhaps learning to paint, play guitar, or run a marathon.

Maybe it was speaking up in situations where you would typically stay silent.

Maybe you  tried this thing—whatever it might be—once and failed miserably. You felt shaky and awkward.

And maybe you gave up because you “knew” you were not cut out for it.

Just think about that for a few moments….

OK, Back to Practicing Handstands…

When I first started practicing doing handstands, I would place my hands about 6-8 inches from the wall and then try to hurl my legs and torso overhead. Sometimes, the feeling that I would flip over backwards would be so strong, I would give only a feeble try. I didn’t go for it with abandon.

Even though rationally I knew I wasn’t going to fall over backwards because the wall was there, at a primal level, it felt like that could happen. My body was telling me “Don’t do that, it’s dangerous.”

What Irrational Fears Hold You Back?

As I sit here now writing this, it makes me think of all the primal, irrational fears we let hold us back.

I gradually overcame that primal, irrational fear simply through continuing to try. Finally, I was able to fling my legs upwards without hesitation, making my feet slam against the wall in a decidedly non-acrobatic way.

As I held the handstand, my shoulders would wobble under the strain. Even though at that point I had built up significant muscle strength with my regular workouts, the exercises I was doing had not built up the stabilizer muscles required to hold the handstand position. I could feel those muscles quivering under the strain. It felt like my body was going to come crashing straight down through my shoulder joints, with my head leading the way.

This went on for a couple of months. This awkward, flinging myself upward, feeling vulnerable state.

Then, things started changing.

What had been feeling awkward gradually felt natural. I could lift up into a handstand without having to hurl myself up against the wall. My shoulder stabilizer muscles were easily up for the task. I could even do partial handstand push-ups, and then a full handstand push-up. I could also do freestanding handstands. Even though, as  I mentioned, I’m only able to stay balanced and upright for a few seconds at a time, it’s a far cry from when I started.

And someday…I’ll be able to walk on my hands.

Haven’t You Had Experiences Like This?

Think of times in your life you believed you weren’t able to do something, but slowly, wobble by wobble, you got better and better, stronger and stronger.

You’ve done it before. You can do it again.

 

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Oh, BTW…if you’re wondering “And you want to do this…why?” it’s from getting involved in various intense  exercise programs like Tacfit, Convict Conditioning, other bodyweight training programs, and kettlebell training. Seeing the amazing acts of athleticism and grace demonstrated by these practitioners has made me want to do the work required to enjoy experiencing what our bodies can do. If you’ve ever watched an amazing athlete and thought “It would be so cool to do that” that’s what made me think I would like to do some version of that.

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Back To You Again…So What’s Your Headstand Right Now and How Can You “Throw Your Legs Up Against the Wall”?

OK, enough about me. I wrote this for you.

Let’s go back to that thing you have been telling yourself you cannot do, or that it’s too scary to do.

What simple, wobbly step can you take?

What would be your equivalent of hurling yourself upward against the wall?

What wall could you use that would make that step feel safe enough to try?

What can you do to make it a “baby step” as in “Baby steps Bob, baby steps” from the movie What About Bob?

How about taking that step now or…if you can’t because you’re not in a context where it’s appropriate or possible…promise to make that step then next time you are in the context where you can.

Feb 17, 2016 | 0 comments View Post

How I got a skunk to start my conference presentation

skunkHere’s a brief story about how I got a skunk to start off my conference presentation. It’s a fun example of how “stories are everywhere” and how to take a seemingly unrelated life event and use it to start off your talk.

BTW…the sound quality isn’t great, because I needed to filter out the road noise (recorded it while driving).

BTW…part II. If you’re at the Maine Startup and Create Week, I am doing a partner event on Wednesday, from 12:45 to 1:45 at O’Maine Studio. All, the scoop is below.

Now…for the story.

 

Maine Startup and Create Week Partner Event

Tell a better story. Become more interesting. Grow your business.

 

When: June 24rd · 12:45PM-1:45PM

Where: O’Maine Studio, Portland, Maine

Fee: $10 (to cover a light lunch)

A Maine Startup & Create Week Partner Program

Jun 24, 2015 | 0 comments View Post

Use an Analogy to Pack a Punch: Togue Brawn shows you how

Togue holding scallopsTwo weeks ago, I heard one of the coolest examples of how analogies make your point pack a punch. It happened at a “pitch fest” hosted by the Maine Center for Entrepreneurial Development’s  Top Gun program.

Ten entrepreneurs pitched their ideas to an audience of several hundred, competing for a $10,000 prize. It was also a chance to hone their  pitch craft.

Several entrepreneurs stood out for their speaking skill.

One of them was Togue Brawn, founder of Maine Dayboat Scallops. who will be speaking on June 24th at the upcoming Maine Startup and Create Week.

First, she clearly had passion for the impact her business would have in the lives of her customers and the fishermen she served.

In fact, after the event, I was talking about what a dynamo she was to a seasoned angel investor–a man who has seen it all. He laughed and said, in true When Harry Met Sally fashion–“Yeah…I want whatever she’s having!”

Besides her  passion, one of the other aspects of Togue’s talk that stood out for me was how she used a powerful analogy to capture the difference her business makes.

In Made to Stick, Chip and Dan Heath cite analogies as being one of the six power tools of the communicator who wants to make their idea “sticky”–i.e. people can’t get it out of their heads.

Why are analogies such a powerful communication tool?

  1. They translate the unfamiliar into the familiar…making your idea easier to understand.
  2. They translate the abstract into the tangible. The brain has a much easier time processing concrete images and situations from real life than it does making sense out of abstract concepts. Also, because concrete images and real life situations have a strong sensory component, they evoke more emotions that abstract ideas that only involve the intellect. BTW…notice that this point is an abstract concept. Now…let’s share a specific situation and concrete image that will make this point much more understandable.

Before you hear Togue’s analogy, here’s some quick context, so it makes more sense…

As part of her Origin Story, she shared her epiphany about the plight of Maine’s scallop fishermen and their customers. Most commercially fished scallops that are caught in federal waters in boats that are out to sea for a week or more. These scallops, when sold to consumers as “fresh” can be 12 days old. Maine’s scallop fishermen are all of the dayboat variety, meaning they go out and come back with their catch in one day.

Their scallops are a day old. But…because no delivery system existed to get these into customers’ hands, Maine day scallop fishermen can’t charge the premium price their premium product deserves. Instead, their uber-fresh scallops have to go to the same processing plants as the federal water harvested scallops that are several day’s old. So day old scallops get mixed in with a week or more old scallops.

Now here’s the analogy Togue used to make her point about how this didn’t make sense:

“That’s like pouring a bottle of Dom Perignon into a bathtub of Barefoot bubbly,” she noted.

When I heard that, I thought “Score! What a way to capture the difference.”

While there’s a reason why Barefoot wine is a popular brand, there’s a reason why Dom Perignon has a cachet that popular consumer brands’ don’t. If you made Dom Perignon, would you want it blended into any popular consumer wine and sold at that price or…would you want to get the price your product should command?

While giving the factual differences between scallops harvested in federal waters vs. those harvested by local scallop fishermen made for a clear comparison at the abstract, intellectual level, Togue’s analogy made it tangible. The listener could instantly get the difference at a deeper, more experiential level.

Hence, the power of a good analogy.

So…if you want YOUR ideas to pack a punch, start generating analogies to make your points hit home.

To learn more about how to use analogies and stories to make your ideas more interesting and persuasive, come to:

Tell a better story. Become more interesting. Grow your business.

 June 24rd · 12:45PM-1:45PM

Who should attend: Business owners, self-employed professionals, leaders and others who want to communicate the value of their ideas, service, and business in a more compelling, interesting, and persuasive way… whether in front of a group or one-to-one.

Where: O’Maine Studio

Fee: $10 for attendees at Maine Startup and Create Week, $15 for non-attendees (includes lunch)

A Maine Startup & Create Week Partner Program

 

 

 

Jun 16, 2015 | 0 comments View Post

Far From Over Reminds Us That, No Matter How We Might Feel…”It’s Far From Over”

I want to share the video below both because of its message and because it is a great example of how you can take a story, whether in written form or through video, and use it as a teaching metaphor.

The video comes courtesy of friend and colleague John Brubaker, aka Coach Bru. 

John, a master at taking everyday experiences and turning them into teaching stories, shared the video below on Facebook, with the comment:

“Don’t despair if your 2015 has gotten off to a slow start. It’s “far from over” & this could be you..”

You might feel like that or, you might feel like:

  •  One or more important goals are seeming so out of reach.
  • You haven’t accomplished anywhere near what you think you should (whether in the last year or in your life).
  • You’ve been struggling with something, perhaps getting a business off the ground, writing that book, or maybe something in your personal life that seems never-ending, and it seems like the “light of day” will never come.

Do any of these resonate with you?

OK…let’s watch the video.

When you’re done, here are a few ways you can use it as a teaching tool:

  1. In your own life, use it to reflect on situations like the ones mentioned above.
  2. In a workshop where you want to help shift people into a more empowered, possibility-filled state, have them watch this video, or one like it. Then, have them either write about, or brainstorm with a partner, how they can see their situation in a new light and what they can do to make progress in it.
  3. As an example for you to be on the lookout for other inspiring videos and stories to help people shift from helpless or “I can’t” to hopeful and “I can.”

 

Post by NYRA.

 

When you’re done watching it, here are a few ways you can use it as a teaching tool:

  1. In your own life, use it to reflect on situations like the ones mentioned above.
  2. As a way to shift people’s state from feeling hopeless to hopeful. After you have them watch the video–or videos like it–have them either write about, or brainstorm with a partner, how they can see their situation in a new light and what they can do to make progress in it.
  3. As an example for you to be on the lookout for other inspiring videos and stories to help people shift from helpless or “I can’t” to hopeful and “I can.”

 

Feb 08, 2015 | 0 comments View Post

Make Your Coaching and Selling Points More Persuasive with Analogies

2624786_sWant to make your important ideas pack a bigger punch?

Use analogies.

Analogies don’t just make abstract ideas concrete, and therefore more understandable. They also make your points more persuasive. Often when you are trying to teach or persuade, ideas that to you are self-evident are NOT self-evident to your audience.

They don’t have all the context you have which  makes your point obviously true. They don’t have your experience or expertise. So your job is to put your idea into terms they CAN relate to, and into terms where it makes your point an “Off course!” idea.

Analogies from within your audience’s realm of knowledge and experience  help you do that.

So for instance, take a labyrinth.

From the ground view, finding your way out of it can be daunting because you can’t see the big picture. You can’t see the path out. However, someone from an aerial view can easily see where you are, and what path you need to take.

“Hmmm…what might this be an analogy for?”

Now…think about what a labyrinth could be an analogy for.

Hey…I’ve got an idea? How about….”the value of coaching”?

One of the biggest benefits of coaching is that the coach can see things that the person in the midst of their problem—their labyrinth—cannot.

When we are in the midst of our challenges, we often cannot see the big picture or the way out because we are at the ground level. All we see are walls blocking our way. A skilled coach, however, can see possibilities and options that we cannot because they are not in the middle of the drama. They have perspective. It’s like their having an aerial view of our labyrinth.

Now, this analogy also speaks to the fact that as a coach, you don’t have to have special powers or a Mensa IQ (although those might help). Just the fact that you are NOT that person gives you a perspective they cannot have.

Here’s an An Analogous Experience (and an Example of Using an Experience as an Analogy)

It’s like when I was a therapist many years ago and participated in peer supervision. I often noticed with bemusement how my colleagues and I were always far more confident in our treatment recommendations for  each others’ clients than we were of our own. Because we weren’t  emotionally involved with the issues our colleague was dealing with, we could take a more dispassionate view and not have our perceptions clouded by the emotionality of the situation.

Having some distance from the problem didn’t just  allow us to see options that the therapist immersed in the challenging situation couldn’t. Having that distance also helped us not second guess our intuition and judgment.

Because we weren’t having to deal with the issues that the situation was triggering for the therapist, or have to deal with the client’s doubts and fears, we would not have the self-doubt they would. We felt confident in our assessments and recommendations.

But then…when it was our turn to share our challenging case, WE would be the one feeling conflicted and self-doubting.

I bet you can totally relate to that phenomenon.

Here Are Three Ways You Can Apply This:

  1.  Feel free to use the labyrinth analogy when explaining to a potential client the value of having a coach and how it’s not about them not being smart enough or somehow “less than.”  It’s just part of human nature that others can see things that we can’t when we’re in the midst of them.
  2. Identify key points you frequently make and see if you can come up with analogies from other domains that make those points more punchy and more “Well of course that makes sense!”-able.
  3. Also…notice how the picture of the labyrinth makes the analogy hit home even more (aka “A picture is worth a thousand words”). For your presentations, find pictures that visually depict your analogy.
Jun 23, 2014 | 0 comments View Post

How to Use Analogies to Make Your Point More “Sticky”

In Chip and Dan Heath’s excellent book Made to Stick, they discuss the power of analogies to make abstract ideas more understandable…and pack a bigger punch. Analogies do this because they:

  1. Make Your Abstract Concept Concrete…and Therefore Easier to Comprehend-It’s much easier for the brain to process a concrete image or example than make sense of an abstract thought.
  2. Make Your Ideas More Interesting–Hopefully you will find that to be the case in this short video.
  3. Connect the New and Unfamiliar to the Familiar--It’s a lot easier to understand a new concept when we can link it to something we are already familiar with. Analogies do that. In the video below, you will notice that I use analogies to make my points more clear and…
  4. Turn an Idea from Being Vulnerable to Skepticism to Seeming Like a “No Brainer“–One of the very cool things about analogies is they help you reframe ideas and rigidly help beliefs. They do this by taking a point of view that the listener or reader holds as true or even self-evident, and then uses the same or similar viewpoint in a context where its validity is easily called into question. Without getting into the hypnotics of it all, doing this also helps to link up the feeling of uncertainty, where before there was only certainty.

 

This video is from my main website HumanNatureAtWork.com

Feb 14, 2014 | 0 comments View Post

“Where do you find stories on different subjects?”

This is THE number one question I get asked.

People who attend storytelling teleseminars, webinars, and seminars get it that storytelling is powerful, but… don’t know where to find stories.

The short answer is…stories are everywhere, all the time.

If you pay attention and know what to  look for, you can extract cool teaching stories out of everyday life.

For a longer answer and more “how to’s” sign up for the upcoming Google Hangout I’ll be doing with Juana Llorens of ASTD on Friday at 2 PM ET (no worries if you can’t make it live, you can download later), but…what I would love for you to do IF….you want some free coaching from moi, is to:

Post a question or better still…describe a key teaching point or take away message you often communicate in your presentations that you would like to come up with a story to illustrate, and….

I will pick the best ones to use as illustrations…i.e. I will share my thought process in how I come up with stories and analogies.

How cool is that? 🙂

Here’s the link:

https://plus.google.com/u/0/events/c2gq97qk497jo8gkv4okg3rvg30

Now…in the meantime, read on for more quick how to tips:

 

Colin from Ontario posed this question to me when he signed up for the upcoming “Wrap Your Message in Bacon” webinar.

Thanks for the question Colin.

Here’s my answer…actually answers…

 

1. Practice Mindfulness–Pay attention to all of life, even those simple,  “ordinary” moments that offer a potential lesson, remind you of some important principle, surprise you, amuse you, or make some kind of emotional impact.

2. Practice Thinking in Analogies–I’ll be teaching this in depth in the upcoming storytelling webinar series, but for now, practice thinking “Hmmm…what’s this like?” “What can this be an analogy for?” whenever you experience something interesting.

3. Write Down Your Thoughts As Soon as Possible–This is huge, especially with “Constructive Conversation” stories where the actual words you used are an important part of the story and are quickly forgotten. As I mentioned in the ASTD webinar, I use a simple, two column  Word table with a story per row. The left column is for searchable key words or phrases and the right with narrative, so I can recall the story later.

4. Practice, Practice, Practice–After doing this for over 20 years, my brain has become a story-catching, analogy-recognizing machine :-). It just comes naturally now, just like it will for you if you work at it. A good friend of mine, after taking an NLP and storytelling seminar from me 15 years ago, told me at the time that she wasn’t good at thinking in analogies because her medical training had so oriented her toward analytical, “no nonsense” thinking, she felt she had lost the more right-brained, analogy-noticing and analogy-creating ability.  Now, years later, she is an amazing analogy-creator.

Five Recent Story or Analogy Finding Examples…

So…let me give you some examples of stories that came into my life (or awareness) in the last few days:

1. This week I had a really positive coaching session with a manager who had made excuses for not delivering on her responsbilities on several occasions–i.e. she used the “I was so busy” as an excuse for not doing what she was supposed to do.

I struggled with how to confront this in a way that wouldn’t trigger defensiveness, but still have her look at this behavior. I was feeling very judgmental and had to do some serious work to get to compassion and non-judgment. We ended up having an amazing, honest conversation about this. This will be one of my Let’s Talk for a Change seminar stories in the future.

2. One of my dear friends sent me an inspirational video this morning. I thought…”Hmmm…what’s the lesson here that we all can use?” and posted the video and a bit of narrative at my WhateverLifeBrings.com site.

3. When I tried to post the link on Facebook, I was notified that my password was wrong. I had just changed it and had forgotten what it was. When I went to open my email account to get the link to reset it, I discovered I had forgotten that password, too (I had just changed that also). I found myself thinking “Hmmm..what’s this like?” One analogy that came to mind was ‘My operational inefficiency was hampering my creative output”. That made me think of how I could use it as a simple analogy in the future for how a business’s or a solopreneur’s lack of organization, or efficient processes can seriously hamper their innovative ability and productvity.

4. I heard someone remark about the upcoming election: “This is going to be the opportunity for Americans to decide whether we want to be a nation of children or a nation of adults”, referring to his perception that as a society we seem to be wanting government to take care of us, remove all risk from life, tell us what to do, etc. It made me think about how often “old school” command and control, “We think, you just do your job” management  and organizational practices often lead to a “childified” wokforce that isn’t willing to think for themselves and demonstrates child-like behaviors–like gossiping, blaming, focusing on what their employer can do for them rather than how they can provide value. So…his remark made me think of the corollaries beteween a parental organization and a parental government, and what they elicit in “the masses.”

5.  Another manager I was coaching yesterday shared her struggle as a new manager coming into a team that is very set in their ways and how they bristle at her suggestions. We are going to continue working on it today. It will be a really useful teaching story I can use in upcoming seminars and articles.

So, you see…stories are everwhere. You (we) just need to practice being mindful, ask “Hmmm…what’s this like?” and “What lessons does this teach?” and write it down ASAP.

Thanks for your question Colin. Hope this helps.

Again, the Google Hangout link is:

https://plus.google.com/u/0/events/c2gq97qk497jo8gkv4okg3rvg30

Sign up and post your key take away point or question you would like me to work with.

Nov 14, 2013 | 0 comments View Post

It’s All About the Explanation…A Story That Illustrates…

explanatory styleOne of the most useful tools for building resilience, I’ve found over the years, is noticing and challenging unproductive explanations we create about experiences we are having.

This comes from the outstanding work of Dr. Martin Seligman, a pioneer in the field of Positive Psychology. His research revealed that people who are prone to anxiety and depression had very different “explanatory styles” than people who didn’t…and even more radically different from people who were resilient.

In this video, you will see an example of me using a story to make the concept of “It’s not what happens, it what we say to ourselves–i.e. how we EXPLAIN what happens–that determines its effect on us.”

Now, I could just make that point as a bullet point and talk in very theoretical terms or…I could give an example.

I can tell a story… (BTW…this is one of my favorite stories)

Excerpted from “Whatever Life Brings” (DVD/CD set)

 

Feb 05, 2013 | 0 comments View Post

How to Use Videos to Facilitate Deep Reflection and Conversation

Jonathan_Antoine_Charlotte_At a leadership retreat I facilitated a while back, I shared with the team the video of Jonathan and Charlotte (see below).

We used it as a catalyst for discussing how they can “Be a Charlotte” to each other during the challenging transitional period they were going through. Even though they have been a strong team for years with members who truly love and appreciate each other, they had temporarily lost their awareness and ability to support and encourage each other.

We used the video to spark conversation about how they can once again “Be Charlottes” to each other in supportive, encouraging ways.

This is a simple example of using a video to spark deep conversation about important issues.

It’s also an example of being mindful of any and all experiences you  have as potential teaching tools.

So in this case, after watching the video a couple of times and moving beyond the pure heart-warming and mind-blowing aspects of it, I found myself thinking:

“What’s going on here that is so big and where else can this message be brought?”

Perhaps the biggest theme for me was the power of “Holding the Vision” for another when they cannot. Charlotte could see Jonathan’s greatness when he could not and because of her unwavering friendship and confidence in him, he was able to attempt something he would never have dreamed possible.

In my blog on resilience WhateverLifeBrings.com, I wrote about this and included the following. I’m sharing it here to give you an example of how to use the video as tool to facilitate deep reflection and conversation.

In this context, I’m sharing the video with you as a way to catalyze you to think about how you can mirror back to someone the gifts and potential you see in them.

Think for a moment of  friends or colleauges who can’t yet hold the vision for themselves of their greatness and what is truly possible for them.

After watching the video, think about people who have been Charlottes to you and the difference it made to you during those times you didn’t believe in yourself.

And then think about those people in your life right now, to whom YOU can be a Charlotte…and how you might do that:

 

Notice how you feel after watching the video.

This is one of the ways that storytelling, whether spoken or through visual communication is so powerful.

Because they impact at a visceral level, they can shift you to a very different emotional state. In that new emotional state, you find yourself thinking things and seeing things that you would  not have in your  neutral or negative emotional state.

So…be on the lookout for videos, including clips from movie scenes, that move you and ask yourself:

1. What about this is moving?

2. What big theme or themes does this embody?

3. In what contexts is this relevant and important?

4. How can I use this to spark deep reflection and conversation?

 

Also…if you have videos and movie scenes that you really like and wonder about how to use them or…you have some that you already use, please share with the rest of us.

 

P.S. Another technical note. If you go back to the beginning of the post, I mentioned how after we watched the video, we talked about how they could “Be a Charlotte” for each other. This is an example of using a video story to make a concept more “Sticky”, in the words of Made to Stick authors Chip and Dan Heath. I could have just thrown out the question “How can you be more supportive of each other and help each see the best in themselves?” and at the end, ask them to keep doing that.

But…by showing the video and using the question “How can I be the Charlotte to others?” it makes it far more meaningful and sticky.

Jan 22, 2013 | 0 comments View Post

The Strangest Question I’ve Ever Been Asked

First, I’m sharing this story with you because it’s a good example of how you can use a simple life experience that catches your attention and use it as the foundation of a teaching point.

Second, it’s an example of thinking in analogies–i.e. asking  “Hmmm….what is this (experience) like?” and then translating it into another context. So in this case, a strange question asked in a rest room made me think about the importance of asking for feedback in the workplace.  

Third, the lessons in the article are useful. The original article was published at tlnt.com.

 —–

 Someone asked me a question out of nowhere yesterday—in a restroom of all places—that took me aback.

It got me thinking about a very different—and more important—question you need to ask if you’re a manager.

“I Beg Your Pardon?”

As I approached the hotel restroom sink to wash my hands, a man in a suit turned to me and said

“I know this is a weird question to ask, but…do I smell bad?”

He explained that he had been sweating profusely because of the hot conference room and was worried that he now reeked and would repel others. While this is never a pleasant thought, since this was an event where you wanted to network with others, his was especially concerned about being perceived as a noxious life form.

Since he was being so authentic and genuine, how could I not accommodate his request? I got a bit closer and took a whiff.

 “You’re fine. I can’t smell a thing,” I told him.

“Hey thanks,” he replied and then laughingly said “I figured I don’t know you and will never see you again, so what the heck…”

I had to hand it to him; it took guts to ask someone that question, and actually wants to hear the cold hard truth.

So what’s This Have to Do with You?

You might be repelling your employees—and therefore diminishing their motivation—without realizing it.

You might be doing things as a manager that annoy, irritate, or just mildly turnoff our employees. These behaviors:  

  1. Reduce your own effectiveness and value…because you’re not getting the best out of your team.
  2. Diminish your ability to drive maximum productivity and quality while still maintaining high morale.
  3. Minimize or eliminate your employees’ desire to please you. They’ll do what’s required, but not more.
  4. Diminish your employees’ respect for you. 

You Could  Be Turning People Off and Not Even Know It

Unless you’re perfect, you’re like the rest of us: you do things and say things that make you less likeable, credible, and persuasive… and you have no idea you’re doing them.

That’s just part of human nature. We all have blind spots. As long as these behaviors remain blind spots, we can’t eradicate them, and unless people are willing to say “You have B.O.”—metaphorically speaking—we will never know.

Because we remain blind to these, we get results far beneath what we’re capable of, both in terms of the quality of our relationships and our ability to get things done through others.

 “Who Me? No Way!”

You might be thinking: “What could I possibly be doing or saying as a manager that could turn off my employees without me knowing it?” To answer that, let me ask you to reflect on your own experiences. What have managers done and said that have turned you off? What have they done and said that made you respect them less, trust them less, or care less about helping them achieve their goals?

Go ahead, make a list. Then ask yourself “Am I doing any of these?”  

I Hear Things

At management seminars, I often ask participants to name the things that their worst bosses did that made them so dreadful. Some of the most frequently mentioned themes include:

  1. Acting like a know it all.
  2. Talking “at”—rather than talking  “with”—people.
  3. Not listening, including multi-tasking, or taking calls, while someone is talking to them.
  4. Not being open to ideas…i.e. shooting them down without bothering to explore them.
  5. Interrupting.
  6. Talking down to their subordinates…i.e. using the language and voice tone a school teacher might use with a child.

I Have Unfortunately Seen This One a Lot

I would add to this list something I see a lot from high energy, extroverted leaders with strong personalities: they talk way too much, for way too long and they dominate air time, whether one-on-one or in meetings.

A friend just shared with me about her experience with her new boss, and how he “went on and on and on and on” … but never really clearly stated what he wanted from her, nor did he ask her any questions. She left feeling frustrated and more than a little “New Employee Buyer’s Remorse.”

I can recall conversations with senior leaders where there was never a pause  in their monologue for me to insert a response or ask a question, and never any interest expressed in my point of view. I would leave these encounters feeling frustrated over feeling stuck listening to something that could have taken a fraction of the time. I would also feel turned off by the person’s disinterest in anything I had to say.  I also found myself pitying the people who had to work with these individuals day in and day out.

Are you  that person? Research on how power affects people shows that the more power we have, the more likely we are to dominate conversations and interrupt others.

If you’re doing those things, I can guarantee that you’re not just boring others—and therefore reducing your influence and credibility. You’re also annoying them, even though they’re trying to look  attentive and engaged.

I’m Not Trying to Be Negative or Accusatory, But…

I want you to ask others: “What can I do to be a better manager?” and “What can I do to be easier to talk to?”

If you are truly sincere about becoming a better leader, if you truly want to increase your ability to increase productivity, or inspire great customer service, or foster innovation, you MUST maximize your ability to positively influence others.

The only way you can do that, is to get honest feedback as part of your game plan[DL1] .

Let me give you a protocol for getting honest feedback that was born out of a common fear I heard from managers attending my programs.

The “You Know I Went to a Management Seminar” Talk

Years ago, when I first started giving management seminars, I would often have someone raise their hand at the end and say something like this:

“This stuff really makes sense and I agree with it…” then their voice inflection would go up, signaling a “but…” was about to follow.

“…but…I’m afraid that if I start doing these things, my people will think I’m just doing them because I heard you were supposed to do them at this seminar.” They were afraid to be “caught in the act” of using something they had learned, and then get labeled as being phony.

So, to combat this fear, I came up with a simple process they could use to both let their team know they would be trying out new behaviors and to ask for feedback. That way, they didn’t have to worry about “getting caught in the act”. It would be clear that of course they would be applying what they had learned, and therefore acting differently in some ways.

I also started giving people  language for how to introduce to their employees what they learned and what they plan to do differently based on the seminar. I also suggested they ask their employees for feedback on what areas they think they, the manager,  should work on.

I call this the “You Know I Went to The Management Seminar” Talk. So for instance, part of the conversation would go like this:

“You know I went to a management seminar yesterday. Well, one of the things we did was talk about things managers do that drive employees crazy as well as things that great managers do to bring out the best in people.  As part of that, we were asked to look at what negative things we might be doing and to ask our direct reports to give us feedback on both the things we do they wish we wouldn’t, as well as the good things we do, and should keep on doing.

So first, some of the negative practices I recognized in myself were… not being really encouraging of ideas from you and the others on the team, and not being a great listener.

 I would really appreciate your thoughts about those two negatives, and also what other things I might want to look at and change…”

Now…How About Having a “Hey, I Read This Article Talk” With Your Employees Today?

You can do a version of the “You Know I Went To The Management Seminar” Talk by having a “Hey, I Read this Article” Talk with your employees . Give your team this article and then ask them individually for feedback, or…give this article to a couple of colleagues you trust and respect and then ask them for feedback.

You might not get any feedback at first, especially if you have a strong personality or have been remote in the past, but with coaching, you can come up with a strategy and accompanying language for making it safe for your direct reports to give you feedback. You can also do an anonymous survey, use a 360° feedback instrument, or have someone conduct interviews with your direct reports and give you the aggregate results.

Hey, if that man can ask if he smells bad, you can ask how you can be a better manager, a better team member, a better communicator, or even a better parent or partner. I have. You will be surprised what you’ll hear, and how beneficial it can be to both of you.

Oct 23, 2012 | 0 comments View Post
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