Category: Empowerment Stories

How to Use a Story to Shift Someone From Hopeless to Hopeful; From Disempowered to “I can do this!”

Sport and life achievements and success concept. Rear view sporty girl raising arms towards beautiful glowing sunshine.

You’ve probably tried to coach someone who was stuck in a “There’s nothing I can do about it” frame of mind and no how difficult it is for a person in that state to hear your helpful suggestions or see opportunities to change.

This is where a story well told can be incredibly useful.

The right story can help someone shift their emotional state from one of feeling fearful or hopeless to curious and hopeful.

Because our state profoundly affects our performance knowing HOW to help someone shift into a more empowered, “I can do this” state is a hugely important skill to have.

Here’s an example of using a story to do that…

After I had finished a program at an organization, a young supervisor pulled me aside to ask for my advice.

She told me how she had inherited a team that included a very toxic long-term employee who had been allowed to treat people abusively. The new supervisor had tried once to address this and it had–surprise, surprise–no effect.

She said she knew she should have another conversation, but was dreading it.

She said she knew this person should be fired and that it will probably come down to this, and found the idea of having that conversation scary.

As she told me this, her whole posture communicated defeat and hopelessness. Her face looked anxious and beleaguered.

She Wants an Answer, But Isn’t Ready to Hear It

In my early years as a consultant I would have immediately answered her question about what she would do.

Now, I know that my first job was to help her shift her state because not only does our emotional state affect our performance, it profoundly affects our perspective. Just think of how differently you see challenges when you are tired or don’t feel well compared to when you are rested and feel well. When you feel poorly, they seem big and overwhelming. When you’re rested and feel well, they seem manageable.

So back to my young supervisor…

Let’s Shift That State First

So how can I shift her to an empowered, more hopeful state?

I shared one of my favorite stories told to me by my friend Fran, who’s a great coach and storyteller.

It was about a woman she inherited on her team who was extremely toxic. In fact, the owners of the company told her when she was hired that they wanted her to fire this lady (despite no one having the courage to do it in the past).

Fran had a couple of conversations with the woman when she acted out, trying to give her a chance, but to no avail.

It’s Time to Free Up Her Future

Fran called Mary into a conference room and, in her classic deeply caring, accepting, and curious way, said to Mary: “You don’t seem happy here Mary…” and then shared a couple of examples of Mary’s toxic behavior.

At first, Mary got defensive, but then admitted she hadn’t been happy for years.

They talked more, and Fran started talking about how Mary will be so much happier with work that fits her better.

You’re Fired!

At one point, Mary stopped and stared.

“You’re firing me!” she exclaimed.

“Yes!” said Fran, again in her caring and enthusiastic way.

“Wow! I never knew getting fired could be so fun!” Mary chortled.

They laughed together and then Fran said “You know…here’s what I think is going to happen, Mary. In six months you’ll be calling me telling me that you found the perfect job for you, and you’re going to be so much happier…that’s what I see…”

Thanks for Firing Me!

Sure enough, about six months goes by and Mary calls Fran. She says that she is now in school studying to be something she always wanted to be (I can’t remember what) and is having the time of her life. She thanked Fran for firing her.

From “I would rather have a root canal than talk to her” to “I can do this!”

It still warms my heart to picture this young lady’s shift when she heard the story. She burst out laughing when I told her the “Wow! I never knew firing could be so fun!” and looked hopeful and encouraged when she heard about the call.

NOW…We can Discuss The How

Now that she was in this shifted, empowered state, she could be receptive to whatever advice I had to share. If we hadn’t done this step first, she would have silently dismissed my suggestions, believing that they wouldn’t work in her circumstance with this lady.

I bet you can think of examples of when that’s happened in your life. Someone asks you for advice and you share with them what you believe to be helpful–and maybe even obvious–advice and practical “how to” suggestions, and they either say “Yeah but…” or you can tell by their expression that they are dismissing what you say as impossible.

That’s why you want to help them shift their state first.

One way to do that–in fact, one of my favorites–is what I call “If I could handle that, I can handle this!” stories.

This particular story is what I call a Perspective Shift Story.

These stories start out matching the client’s belief system or perspective on the problem…in this case “It will of course be horrible to have a disciplinary or termination conversation.” When you tell them well, you draw the listener by matching their perspective. They resonate fully with the dilemma and the “obvious” perspective.

Then…you have a surprise ending that offers a totally different perspective, and BAM!

What seemed obvious to the person is now called into question.

From Certainty to Doubt…The Key to A New, More Empowered Perspective

Not only does this shift their state, which was the goal in this situation, but it also introduces doubt where before there was only certainty attached to their limiting, disempowering perspective. This is a topic all of its own and is explored in this post.

For This Purpose, The Main Goal of the Perspective Shift Story Was State Shift

In this case, I loved this story because it didn’t just create a new perspective that challenged her assumption, it did so in a fun, funny, enlivening way, which shifted her to a more empowered state.

That broke the negative “spell” she was under and allowed us to get to work on The How.

So…What To Do With This?

1. Think about experiences you have had, or have heard about, that are amusing, surprising, empowering, and/or inspiring.–These are all potentially useful stories you can use to help someone shift their state. Notice what emotion they stir up in you and ask “in what situations could I use this to elicit the same emotion in a client or audience?”

2. Keep a simple story database so you can draw on them later–Doing this will be a game-changer. It has been for me. I can guarantee that you will forget most of the great, potentially useful, stories you could tell if you don’t keep them in a database. I use a simple two column Word doc, with each row of the table for one story. In the left column, I put some searchable key words and phrases like “self-awareness”, “stories we tell ourselves”, “self-talk” and then in the right hand column, I put enough detail in so I can look at it months later and remember the story in enough detail to tell it.

Advanced Transformational Storytelling

A Workshop for Counselors, Coaches, and Change Agents

with David Lee

September 21st | 8:30-3:30 | Westbrook, Maine

Sep 12, 2018 | 0 comments View Post

How to use a Self-Disclosure Story to teach Self-Awareness

Peter Bregman is, in my opinion, the best in the business at using self-disclosure as a way to help people feel safe enough to engage in self-reflection.

By sharing his inner world, including his fears, insecurities, and human imperfections, he makes it safe for people to do the same. By sharing his internal world along with his missteps, he invites the reader to vicariously do the same.

This is what makes Self-Disclosure Stories such a gift to others.

By you taking the risk to share your humanity, your vulnerabilities, faux pas, and imperfections, you allow the listener or reader to acknowledge theirs with courage and compassion. You also make it easier for them to recognize and admit to unproductive attitudes and behaviors that are holding them back, things about themselves they would not acknowledge if directly confronted.

Your Self-Disclosure Story does this because it allows them to look inward and feel safe doing so. They can feel safe because they are not being directly confronted by another person to look in the mirror, as would a direct challenge like: “Have you ever noticed how you pretend you know something when you really don’t…like you just did a moment ago?”

For most of us, our natural response to unsolicited feedback and challenging questions is defensiveness.

When someone shares an observation about us that is less than flattering, or challenges us with an interpretation about our motivations or behaviors, we feel attacked.

When people feel forced to look at themselves by another, they feel exposed and flawed. Feeling exposed–and found lacking–triggers shame. When people feel shame, they are no longer open to conversation, let alone self-exploration. All they want to do is hide or fight back to stop the shame.

When you tell a Self-Disclosure Story, others can listen without fear because it is a story about you, not them.

At least on the surface.

It only becomes about them if they choose to allow that to happen. Thus, they don’t feel strong-armed into looking in the mirror.

In this state of safety, they are much more willing and able to look inward and recognize those things that, if addressed, will facilitate their growth.

Here are a few examples of areas you can use a Self-Disclosure Story:

1. How you got triggered by someone else and responded in a less than effective way, and what you learned from that.

2. How you “just knew” something was true, and then discovered it wasn’t.

3. Fears you’ve had.

4. Mistakes you made that your audience is probably making.

5. Natural human responses to situations that you’ve had, that you know your audience is either judging themselves for having, or are engaging in and don’t realize the price they are paying.

6. Ways of acted in a less-than-aware way with others that you believe your audience does and would be well served by reflecting on.

In a future post, we’ll talk about what level of self-disclosure is useful and when do you cross the line into TMI and oversharing.

In the meantime, if you follow this link, you will come across a great example of Peter Bregman’s use of Self-Disclosure Stories. Notice how, by using himself as an example, he invites you to look at yourself.

Notice how his teaching you important lessons framed in a “I blew it” story enables him to be a powerful teacher while at the same time, not coming across as a Know-It-All “I’m the guru and you’re not” way that some authorities adopt.

When you read his story, imagine him sitting with you as your coach and sharing this with you. Would you not be riveted by the story and would it not stay with you in a far more powerful way than if he just lectured at you about what you should do?

OK, enough preamble, it’s time to enjoy the story by Peter Bregman

Jun 27, 2018 | 0 comments View Post

How to Use “If I could handle that, I can handle this!” Stories in Coaching

One of the story genres that are especially helpful to coaches or anybody helping people face a major challenge is the “If I could handle THAT, I can handle THIS” story.

By sharing your own “If I could handle THAT, I can handle THIS” story with a client–or if you’re a manager, with a team member or your whole team–and then asking them to share their own version of this experience, you can help them shift from a state of disempowerment where they cannot see any possibilities to one of empowerment, where they can.

Because one’s emotional and physiological state affects how one perceives a situation–e.g., if you’re tired, problems look bigger than when you’re rested–helping someone shift to a more powerful emotional and physiological state helps them shift their perception. They are able to see the situation in a very different way; they are able to see possibilities and options where before they could not.

Telling an “If I could handle THAT, I can handle THIS” or a “I didn’t think I could do it…but I did!” story well doesn’t just help shift the listener’s state.

It also triggers the listener’s mind to search for similar experiences in their memory bank.

Think about what happens when someone shares an experience with you.

You find yourself thinking of your own version of that experience.

When you share a “If I could handle THAT, I can handle THIS” or a “I didn’t think I could do it…but I did!”story with a person, they aren’t just taking in your story.

Their mind is connecting YOUR story with their own version of that experience.

This further shifts their emotional/physiological state.

Then, having them share their own experience, accesses that state even more.

Now…in this emotional/physiological state, they are FAR more capable of seeing solutions and believing they can solve the problem.

Here is a brief excerpt from a program on resilience where I share my own “If I could handle THAT, I can handle THIS” story with the group and ask them to do the same with a partner, and then discuss how to use this when helping their team navigate the major technology initiative their organization was undergoing.

Jun 20, 2017 | 0 comments View Post

More great examples of how to tell a story from Entrepreneuronfire.com

If you are an entrepreneur who wants to be a more interesting interviewee or speaker, one of THE best places to get schooled in this is John Lee Dumas’s podcast Entrepreneur on Fire.

When it comes to the importance of communicating your message via stories–and not abstract terms and speaking at the 30,000 foot level–John totally gets it.

And…he’s not shy about calling out guests who don’t tell stories after he asks for one (and has sent them prep material ahead of time). I’ll be dissecting one of these examples soon, but in the meantime, here’s an example of how to do it right.

Check out Podcast 703 of EntrepreneursOnFire for more great examples of how to tell compelling stories.

In this episode, John Lee Dumas interviews David Long of MyEmployees.com.

While I recommend listening to the whole interview, the two stories I want to highlight here start at 8:15 and then at 15:06. They are worth listening to solely for the messages about turning adversity into opportunity and “going for it,” they are also worth listening to simply because they are great examples of how to tell a story.

As you listen to Dave share these two experiences, notice how you can imagine being there with him. It isn’t a dry account of a series of events, but rather compelling stories that draw you in and evoke your emotions.

So…listen away and experience some more excellent examples of how to tell compelling stories from Entrepreneursonfire.com.

Podcast 703 with David Long

To learn more about how to be a great storyteller, check out Powerful Storytelling Techniques

Jun 14, 2015 | 2 comments View Post

Far From Over Reminds Us That, No Matter How We Might Feel…”It’s Far From Over”

I want to share the video below both because of its message and because it is a great example of how you can take a story, whether in written form or through video, and use it as a teaching metaphor.

The video comes courtesy of friend and colleague John Brubaker, aka Coach Bru.

John, a master at taking everyday experiences and turning them into teaching stories, shared the video below on Facebook, with the comment:

“Don’t despair if your 2015 has gotten off to a slow start. It’s “far from over” & this could be you..”

You might feel like that or, you might feel like:

One or more important goals are seeming so out of reach.
You haven’t accomplished anywhere near what you think you should (whether in the last year or in your life).
You’ve been struggling with something, perhaps getting a business off the ground, writing that book, or maybe something in your personal life that seems never-ending, and it seems like the “light of day” will never come.

Do any of these resonate with you?

OK…let’s watch the video.

When you’re done, here are a few ways you can use it as a teaching tool:

In your own life, use it to reflect on situations like the ones mentioned above.
In a workshop where you want to help shift people into a more empowered, possibility-filled state, have them watch this video, or one like it. Then, have them either write about, or brainstorm with a partner, how they can see their situation in a new light and what they can do to make progress in it.
As an example for you to be on the lookout for other inspiring videos and stories to help people shift from helpless or “I can’t” to hopeful and “I can.”

Post by NYRA.

When you’re done watching it, here are a few ways you can use it as a teaching tool:

In your own life, use it to reflect on situations like the ones mentioned above.
As a way to shift people’s state from feeling hopeless to hopeful. After you have them watch the video–or videos like it–have them either write about, or brainstorm with a partner, how they can see their situation in a new light and what they can do to make progress in it.
As an example for you to be on the lookout for other inspiring videos and stories to help people shift from helpless or “I can’t” to hopeful and “I can.”

Feb 08, 2015 | 0 comments View Post

How to Use Stories to Facilitate Self-Awareness and…Inspire Courageous Conversations

One of the many reasons I love storytelling is because it is a powerful, yet gentle, vehicle for helping people look inward at their thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and agendas. Because you are “just sharing a story” and–even better–if that story is from your own experience and involves your own human imperfections, the other person can hear what you have to say without the need to protect or defend themselves.

Because you are “just sharing a story’ and not directly challenging them to look in the mirror or explore areas they aren’t ready or able to, stories can facilitate powerful insights and learning in ways that direct admonitions or confrontation cannot.

In my programs on constructive conversations or in coaching, I use personal stories to help participants connect with the thoughts and feelings they have had in response to unpleasant interactions and difficult discussions. By sharing my own internal reactions-e.g. “How dare they talk to me that way!” and “Hmmm…how can I get them back….?”–my goal is to help them recognize their internal process.

When you share your inner world with listeners, it also helps them bond to you. They get it that you are real and that you struggle with the same things they do.

If you want to see an example of such a story, I just recently had one titled Courageous Conversations: Stories That Foster Self-Awareness, Build Skills and Cultivate Confidence published by the Healing Story Alliance.

It will give you an example of how to tell a story that fosters self-awareness and offers new and more resourceful ways of responding in a non-lecturing, story-based format. This particular story is a bit different from most of the “courageous conversation” stories I tell in that it’s far more focused on helping the listener focus on their inner process and the dynamics involved, than it is on the “Here’s how to bring up the conversation”. That being said, the story still includes that piece, but…when you read the story, you’ll see why that played a minor role.

Hope you find it useful.

If you have questions or comments about using this type of story, ask away!

Dec 03, 2013 | 0 comments View Post

How you can En-Courage Others With Your Story: Jia Jiang and his 100 Days of Rejection

How might you offer hope and encouragement to others in a more active way…especially those who are going through challenging times right now?

Here’s an example of how, when we act courageously, we en-courage others.

The example comes from a remarkable person I heard about from John Brubaker (www.coachbru.com). John interviewed him on his radio show and shared with me Jia Jiang’s wild story about his 100 Days of Rejection project. After listening to his interview and watching some of his videos, I knew I wanted to interview him.

Here’s the origin of his 100 Days of Rejection project: After getting a very impersonal rejection email from a venture capitalist, Jia was stunned by how much the rejection stung.

Here’s an excerpt from my interview with Jia, where he describes his response and what he did next:

(The rejection) really hurt. It took me by surprise. Not because of the rejection itself, but how much I was hurt by that rejection. I’m a very well educated guy. I felt I was mentally prepared for this as well. But how did I get hurt so bad by a no even though I prepared for it?

I started searching to see if I want to be a great entrepreneur I cannot be hurt like this. If I keep going I’m going to be rejected more often than not, and so I can’t just be living this fear of rejection. I went online and looked for this thing. I found this thing called rejection therapy. That’s a game where you go out and look for rejection.

Last November I started my blog to just go out and start looking for rejection. I did that because I wanted to do this for 100 times and have the world keep me accountable. It really fits my personality to try something crazy like that. So the story went from there, but that’s how I got into this situation. It was rejection therapy.”

To get a sense of Jia’s personality and essence, here’s a video of my favorite Rejection Therapy: Rejection #36 “Trim my hair at PetSmart”

Jia Inquires About Getting a Haircut at PetSmart

Now, when you see the video, it’s easy just to think “Oh, this is nothing more than a fun, amusing, and charming stunt”. But when you learn more about the person behind the series, you realize its way more than that.
Underneath the quirky sense of humor is a deeply caring person who has a strong sense of mission and purpose to make the world a better place.

You’ll learn more about that when I share the whole interview at a later point.

But in the meantime, I’m sharing this excerpt with you to illustrate how our stories of overcoming adversity and fear can give others hope and courageous to face their fears.

In our interview, I asked Jia if he could share a story or two from people who have followed his adventure and how it has made a difference in their lives.

Here’s a story he shared:

A person wrote me an email. He said he has always been afraid of rejection, so much so that he’s afraid to ask for ketchup in the restaurant so he sent his kids to ask for ketchup.

Of course that’s one extreme case, but it just got real because his wife was diagnosed with cancer last year. In the American medical society, for good or for bad one thing for sure is you have to actually push the doctors and nurses, the hospitals, to get things done sometimes. You can’t just wait and everything comes to you. It doesn’t work that way.

He saw what I’m doing with rejection therapy. He’s very inspired. He told me, “Hey, because of what you are doing now, I’m saying you can do this for therapeutic reasons. I’m trying to save my wife’s life here, so I’ve got to just go ask. If you can ask I can ask.” He started asking for things and he thanked me for helping me with that. This one example is very dear to my heart just because the nature of it. It really helps people in a very real sense.

It’s really those kinds of emails that got me, again, doing these rejections. A hundred of them is a lot. It takes you awhile to count, and doing each one takes preparation and videotaping. Then editing, producing, put it online and telling people about it and then writing a blog. So a lot of things went into every rejection.

But it’s because of these emails I’m getting, the support I’m getting, that keeps me going because I know I’m doing something important. I know I’m doing something that helps people. That makes a real difference in life.

Even say if I know that from beginning to end I’m doing this for 100 days and I spend a lot of time doing this, I can help a husband. A life might be changed. A life might be saved. Is it worth it? Absolutely it’s worth it. Then you can multiply that effect by thousands. I’ve got thousands of emails with people with stories. Maybe not to this extreme, but everyone has rejection issues and many of them thank me for doing this. So with that type of influence and impact I feel it’s totally worth it.

Think of the difference Jia’s willingness to share his stories of facing his fears has made in that man’s life.

Think of the power sharing our stories of facing our fears encourages others.

By the way, the word “courage” has its roots in the old French word for “heart” (“couer”). So when you en-cour-age someone you give them heart, you help them connect with their heart and their true capacity for courage.

Are there people in YOUR life right now who might be in need of encouragement?

How might you en-courage them?

What stories of how you faced and overcame your fears might you share with those who need it right now?

Jia Jiang’s TEDTalk

For More of Jia’s writing, check out his website Entre.sting.

For his fun video series on Youtube

Jun 24, 2013 | 0 comments View Post

Using Your Personal Story to Inspire and Instruct: the Mound Road Story by Bob Terson

I first heard about Bob Terson, author of Selling Fearlessly, through Steve Lahey’s Small Businss Talent site. I was struck both by his wonderful use of stories and how his goodness and desire to help others was so evident.

In the interview, Steve Lahey noted that Selling Fearlessly was story-based, rather than a dry, techincally written book. Bob said he consciously chose that format.

Bob knows the power of stories.

I ended up purchasing Selling Fearlessly (loved it) in part because of the focus on courage and stepping outside your comfort zone and in part because, given Bob’s interview, it seemed like a great example of how to use stories to make your point come alive.

I wanted to share with you my favorite story in the book because its a message we all need to hear now and then…especially if we are going through challenging times.

It’s an example of what I call the “If I could survive THAT…I can survive THIS!” perspective and how to use a story to remind people that they have the courage and ability to prevail over the “dark night of the soul” they are going through.

OK…enough of the preamble…Here’s the opening of the story and then a link to the rest.

“The Mound Road Story”

Chapter 1 from Selling Fearlessly: A Master Salesman’s Secrets for the One-Call-Close Salesperson

– By Robert Terson

I think a hero is an ordinary individual who finds strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles.” – Christopher Reeve (1952-2004)

In the Introduction I quoted Olympic pole-vaulter Bob Richards: “Every day ordinary people do extraordinary things.” Now I’m going to tell you about an extraordinary event, 41 years ago, which turned my life around forever; I call it “The Mound Road Story.” It encompasses all three sides of the selling Triangle (see Chapter 9, “The Triangle”). I’ve told this true story, maybe, a hundred times; and each time I tell it, a tidal wave of incredulity sweeps me out to sea and I ask myself: Would my professional life have been markedly different, would the success I achieved been lessened, if that remarkable event had never taken place? It truly makes me wonder.

Here’s some background to help you appreciate that improbable night and morning. I trained four weeks before going into the field alone that Wednesday; my first town was New Lenox, Illinois, approximately ten miles east of Joliet. I lost two presentations that first day and two more the following day, Thursday. I also set up an appointment Thursday to present to two women, partners in a beauty salon; forty years have faded their names into oblivion, but we’ll call them Margaret and Joanna. They were in their mid-thirties and, as I recall, quite attractive. So I was 0 for 4, a bit shaky mental-attitude-wise—my fantasies had foreseen instant record-breaking numbers—and a dark shadow of desperation stalked me as I drove over to that beauty salon.

Bob Trudeau, who taught me the telephone-book-cover advertising business, used to say, “The first olive out of the bottle is the toughest; they start pouring out after you get that first one out.” I craved that first olive out of the bottle.

My subconscious must have been working in overdrive, because when I got there, I re-qualified them to make sure they were the sole decision makers; it’s a good thing I did.

“Well, actually,” Margaret said, “we’d have to get our husbands’ approval, too; it takes all four of us to decide anything.”

The sound you would have heard was air exploding from my lungs via my agape mouth. You’ve heard about the deer caught frozen in the headlights? Well, that was me. I thought I’d properly qualified them earlier, but obviously not—a rookie mistake. I was making too many of them. Oh, God, what else can go wrong?

About Bob Terson: Robert Terson writes the Selling Fearlessly blog and is the author of “Selling Fearlessly: A Master Salesman’s Secrets For the One-Call-Close Salesperson.” He has retired from a 40 year career in sales, including owning his own company, to write, speak, and help others succeed; to give back for a lifetime of blessings.

for more about Bob…

May 30, 2013 | 1 comment View Post

What’s Your Africa: an “I didn’t think I could…but I did!” story by Martina Mangelsdorf

Note from David: This magical story is a wonderful example of what I call an “I didn’t think I could do it…but I did” story. Technically, it’s more of a cousin to this genre…it’s more of a “I didn’t think I would survive it…but I did!” story.

These stories are powerful vehicles for helping people facing major life challenges to remember that they are stronger than they think.

This simple reminder is one of the perspective shift techniques I encourage people to use in the programs I do on resilience training.

More specifically, I recommend that when you are going through hard times, to remember really tough storms you have already weathered and remind yourself:

“Hey…if I could handle THAT…I can handle THIS!”

While your “THAT” might not be as wild as Martina’s, I’m sure you have some experiences that, when recalled, can easily remind you of how resilient and resourceful you have proven yourself to be in the past.

You Can Use This Type of Story When Coaching Some Who Is Feeling Overwhelmed

You can use your own “I didn’t think I could do it…but I did!” story to help others you coach shift into a more resourceful, empowered state of mind while facing challenges.

Here’s the very simple process:

1. Share the concept of “You are stronger than you think” with them and how when we are facing challenges, its easy to feel small and overwhelmed. While in that state, we cannot see options and opportunities.

2. Ask them to list major challenges they’ve overcome in their life and to tell you about at least one of them. As they recount their story of overcoming, they start to shift them into a more resourceful, empowered state. Once in that more empowered emotional and mental state, they can see opportunities and options where before they could only see obstacles.

3. If they are too overwhelmed or distraught to come up with any examples–share an example from your own life–i.e. your version of Martina’s–and see if that helps them connect with an experience of theirs that revealed to them their true measure of courage and strength.

4. After they tell their story or stories, they will have shifted into a more reourceful state. Once in that state, they are far more able to look at their current challenge with a “Can do” spirit and see options and opportunities previously unnoticed.

OK…enough of how to use this type of story..let’s get to Martina’s magical story…

What’s Your Africa?

by Martina Mangelsdorf

When it comes to facing challenges and overcoming obstacles, it helps to have a mantra that you can call upon when you need encouragement, comfort and self-motivation. Mine is Africa.

I was fortunate to see a lot of planet Earth when, in my late 20’s, I fulfilled my childhood dream of backpacking around the world solo. In total, I spent 15 months on the road, travelling across five continents on a shoestring. This life changing experience not only shaped my view of human nature, it also provided me with an infinite number of lessons learned that I will be able to call upon for the rest if my life.

This one is about how getting the right advice at the right time can shape your destiny and how a moment of crisis and break-down can serve as a source of inspiration and strength later on.

I started my world trip crossing the African continent from Cairo to Cape Town, travelling almost the entire distance overland. A couple of months into my trip, I was about to leave Lusaka, the capital of Zambia, and planned to take a public transit bus to Lilongwe, Malawi. I arrived at the bus station a quarter past nine in the morning and bought my ticket for this 12-hour ride. The bus wasn’t there yet but the guy at the ticket counter assured me that it was about to arrive “just now”. Interpreting that as “in a little while from now” I took off my backpack and looked for a place to sit. There was only one small bench which was already taken by other waiting passengers. It was pretty cold – and when I say ‘pretty’, I mean I was freezing – but I thought, whatever, it’s not going to take long and I’ll be out of here.

Well, yeah, that was around 9:30 am. After about an hour, I understood from conversations of the people around me that the bus had a problem and would be late. The guy who had sold me the ticket actually came to tell me that a tree was blocking the road somewhere and that the bus was stuck but that it would be coming as soon as the road had been cleared.

Okay, I thought, it’s not their fault then, how nice he even cares to inform me.

So far, no hard feelings on my side – until a lady who sat close by told me a little later that what he had told me wasn’t true: the bus had a technical problem and had broken down in a town two hours away.

She claimed she actually knew that because that’s where she came from and she had just called her husband who told her that the bus was still there, waiting to be repaired. Wow, if the bus was stuck two hours away and still needed to be fixed, it meant that it would take quite some time before we would be picked up. I have no idea why the guy didn’t tell me the truth but instead, all passengers were assured that the bus was “on its way”.

I would have preferred to return to my hostel, where at least I would have been able to wait in the warmth of the common room, but I didn’t have enough Zambian cash anymore to pay for another taxi ride. So I thought, okay, what a nice opportunity to exercise my patience for three more hours and I continued to read my book – standing in the cold. By the time I finished it, it was passed noon and I realized that I was not only cold but also getting hungry. Still no sign of the bus and all that the people in the ticket booth kept saying was that it was coming. Well, it had been “coming” for quite some time now without ever arriving and by then, I wasn’t even sure if I could believe them anymore.

Time passed by and in the late afternoon, passengers started to get annoyed.

Some wanted to return their tickets and get their money back but the people in the ticket booth refused to do that, saying that the bus would be here “any minute”. Well, I am going to make a looong story short by telling you that by 6 pm, it got dark but still there was no bus. In addition to freezing my nose off and my stomach screaming for food, by then I also had to go to the bathroom. Not that easy, when you cannot leave your luggage unattended and hope for the bus to finally show up “any minute”!

In the meantime, people started to camp on the ground and mothers tried to keep their babies warm by wrapping them in all sorts of covers or blankets. I couldn’t believe that the ticket guys still had the nerves to say that the bus was “coming right now” each time someone would go and ask them how long it still takes.

If there had been any other way to get to Malawi, now I would have done anything to put an end to this waiting. I was cold, I was hungry and I was exhausted from not knowing how this day would end. The last thing I wanted was to spend the night at this bus station! More and more passengers argued with the ticket people, so in the end, they just left their booth unattended to avoid more stress and questions.

Last but not least, the bus showed up at 9 pm – 12 hours later than scheduled! As soon as the bus pulled up to the station, I was surprised to see that it looked pretty full and hardly no one seemed to get off. It didn’t take long for all the people who had been waiting with me to realize the same thing and all of a sudden, everybody started to rush and push, just to make sure they would get on. To be honest, I didn’t have the strength to go and fight for a seat. At that point, I almost didn’t care anymore. Hence, I didn’t join the bulk of fighting passengers but for whatever reason, the guy who was in charge of admitting people on the bus came over and pulled me through the crowd of angry pushing people. He got me on the bus and found me a seat and I didn’t know if I should be happy and thankful or feel guilty about it.

Somehow, I couldn’t help but think he did this only because I was the only white person in the crowd. I told him to give my seat to one of the women who were travelling with their crying babies but he didn’t even listen to me.

The chaos inside and around this bus is hard to describe but I was so exhausted and apathetic at this point that in the end I gave in and just stayed put in my seat. Even if I had wanted to move, it would have been very difficult and became increasingly impossible as the bus filled up. People squeezed in the narrow seats and the walkway, clinging to their bags and babies. Children got handed over people’s heads and found a place on someone’s lap.

In the end, I had the impression people were piled up in the corridor and yet more passengers tried to get onboard. I don’t know if ultimately anyone was left behind or not because I had closed my eyes and tried to mentally escape from this place, until we were finally on the road.

I can tell you that my understanding of a “packed” bus took on a totally new meaning after this experience. My big backpack had gone in the luggage compartment but I still had my smaller backpack on my lap. As the seat rows were very narrow, I basically couldn’t move my legs at all.

Besides, the lady who sat next to me was a huge woman who took half of my seat space in addition to hers – the fact that the woman next to her was of the same size, did not help to allocate their tremendous volume without squeezing me in. Seeing the other passengers though, especially those standing crammed in the walkway, I felt bad to even complain about my relatively comfortable position.

Since we only left Lusaka at 9:30 pm, we ended up driving over night but it was impossible to fall asleep: The bus radio was turned on all night and played on full blast. The music sounded like crying cats howling at the moon.

After a while I used my earplugs but the music was so loud, I could still hear it. The air inside the bus was awful, too – no wonder with a bunch of sweating people crammed together in an overloaded vehicle. I also saw some cockroaches and other weird bugs crawling on the seats in front of me.

Since I couldn’t move my legs, at least I tried to pull my socks over my trousers, so nothing could climb up on me… We drove almost non-stop but that didn’t help to make it a less unpleasant ride. Apart from the poking and pushing when someone tried to make his way from the back of the bus towards the only door at the front in order to get off at one of the few stops, I kept thinking of the frequent reports about overcrowded African buses involved in deadly accidents. For sure, no one would survive if this bus had an accident – which at the speed we were going, wouldn’t have come as a surprise.

When the bus arrived in Lilongwe, it was 10 am. I couldn’t believe that I made it: 24 hours after I had left, I finally reached my destination! All I wanted to do at that point was lie down and sleep. But before I could get anywhere close to whatever type of accommodation, I needed local money.

Since I had no Malawian currency to pay for any other means of transport, I shouldered my 30kg luggage and started walking. It was quite a walk but not enough with that: When I finally arrived at the first bank, it turned out that it only took local cards. I tried a second and a third one but their machines did not accept international credit cards neither (which makes Malawi the only country on my entire world trip where I could not use ATMs!).

There were a couple of foreign exchange bureaus but none of them was open on a Sunday. Some shady people offered me to change black money in the streets but this was the last thing I was ready to do and I felt increasingly unsafe. After one and a half hours of walking around town, I was done.

My last bit of strength was gone, my luggage weighed more than ever and all I could think of was not to faint. I hadn’t slept nor eaten since the previous morning, I had enough plastic money to buy half of the town but no cash to get me anywhere.

So I finally walked up to a nice looking taxi driver and asked him if he would drive me for US dollars. I probably looked so desperate, that he didn’t even take advantage of my situation and drove me for the regular local price converted into dollars.

I arrived at the hostel around 11:30 am and they gave me a bed in a double room for 12 dollars a night which was far above my budget but I didn’t care.

All I wanted was a space to collapse. And as soon as I was alone in my room, that’s what I did.

Until today, I call that instant my moment of crisis and if I ever had doubts about my trip or was ready to give up, this was the time I was closest to do so. I actually took my German mobile phone which I had with me for emergencies only and decided that this moment definitely qualified. I called my parents and as soon as they were on the line, I broke down.

I had reached my limits; I was shaking and crying, saying that I couldn’t take it anymore and that all I wanted was to come home. All the stress and exhaustion of the past hours, days and weeks seemed to unload and poured out of me in one big wave of tears.

Looking back, I must say that my parents’ reaction was great. Although they would have had every reason to freak out hearing me like this, they remained calm and serene. All they did was listen and trying to calm me down. Even when I said that I had enough and was ready to take the next flight home, they did not push me either way. Neither did they tell me off for being so silly to chicken out just because of a little bit of trouble, nor did they completely take my side and encouraged me to come back – although it would have been very easy for them to do so and I do believe that, to a certain extent, they would have been glad and relieved if I had come home. After all, they are my parents!

But because they are my parents, they didn’t let me give up that easy. Instead, we agreed that I would take some time to relax and then take a decision whether yes or no I would continue my trip. I gave myself a week from then to see how I feel. If I still wanted to come back by then, I would fly home. But was I really ready to give up on my dream? I had to think of a comment a friend had send me in an email early on during my trip: “If you cannot pull this off, no one can.” It was a compliment and a verdict at the same time. At that point, I didn’t know if I could measure up to it.

In the end, I did finish my trip from Cairo to Cape Town and subsequently around the world.

Consumed by its unique magic and fascination, I love Africa but travelling alone as a young blonde female isn’t easy over there. The good thing was, compared to Africa, any other continent later on seemed like a walk in the park.

So for the rest of my travels and ever since then, whenever I encounter a difficult situation, something I am afraid of or when I have doubts if I can succeed in something, I refer to my memory anchor and mantra: “I did Africa”.

I crossed Africa North to South and whatever the new challenge, it can’t be as hard. If I could do that, I can do anything! Actually, to this day, the silhouette of the African continent is a mental image I use as a symbol to give me courage whenever I need it.

So, what’s your anchor? The mental image that keeps you going? What’s your Africa?

Martina is a dedicated Human Resources professional with 13 years of experience in Staffing, Talent Management and Leadership Development. Influenced by her travels around the world and by the principles of gamification and positive psychology, she has developed unique concepts that initiate behavioral change and result in sustainable leadership qualities. Her energizing facilitation and personal style have touched and inspired numerous participants in various sessions.

To learn more about Martina and her work, check out her website Gaia Insights

You can also connect with her on LinkedIn

May 11, 2013 | 0 comments View Post

Share a Story; Offer a New Perspective

Recently, I was coaching a client who had a longstanding contentious relationship with a colleague. We had discussed what she could do to create a more harmonious relationship with this person. I asked her if she could focus on the things this other person did that she really respected, practice noticing the good things this person did, and intentionally engage in pleasant interactions.

The purpose was for her to help them build positive emotional associations with their interactions to help offset the many negative emotional associations they both had around their past interactions.

My client responded honestly that she didn’t think she could. She said she had tried, but all she could think of and notice were the things this person did that angered her and which she found objectionable.Rather than challenge her further or launch into a mini-lecture on how she might overcome this obstacle, I decided to tell her a story about someone else who experienced a MAJOR shift in his relationship because of the work that he did on himself. The shift was quite miraculous.

Before I share his story—or more specifically, have him share his story—let’s talk briefly about why you want to use stories to help shift someone out of a stuck place.

Use Stories to Paint a Picture of Possibility

One of the best ways of helping someone see the possibility of a new response to a troubling relationship or situation is to tell them a story about someone else (including you) who dealt with the same challenge.

Don’t Give Advice. Tell a Story

Rather than offer your five-step solution or other helpful advice, if you instead share a story you:

Make your message more captivating, because we are fascinated by stories of other people dealing with challenges we face.
Help the person see possibility where before they could only see obstacle or certain failure. Your success story of you or someone else overcoming a similar challenge as they are facing provides them with an image of what is possible.
Help shift the person’s emotional state to a more empowered, uplifted state. In that state, they can see opportunities and generate solutions that were unavailable to them when they were feeling stuck and overwhelmed.

LeRoy Lowell

Here’s the story that I shared with my client. It was told to me by LeRoy Lowell about what happened in his contentious relationship with his mother-in-law after he did his own work.I also shared with my client about the work a friend and colleague of mine, Bonnie Vestal, MD does with people who are stuck in angry, bitter relationships with spouses, bosses, colleagues or friends, and want to feel free of the animosity that is poisoning their lives.I walked her through a visualization Dr. Vestal does with her clients that enables them to genuinely send the other person love and goodwill. I did this conversationally, simply describing the process.

My intent was to provide an opportunity for my client to insert her relationship into the “visualization walk through” if she wanted to, or to simply hear it as a description of a technique that facilitated the outcome I told her about next.After describing the technique, I shared an example of an amazing relationship transformation a client of Dr. Vestal’s had during the week following the visualization.

Bonnie Vestal, MD

I shared LeRoy Lowell’s story and Dr. Vestal’s visualization story with my client because of storytelling’s ability to create both “inspiration and simulation” as Made to Stick author’s Chip and Dan Heath say. When you share stories of people overcoming challenges, it inspires the listener, it offers hope. When you describe what the person did to overcome their challenge or achieve their result, you offer a simulated experience the listener can engage in, that shows them how they might do the same. It’s sort of like virtual reality learning, or like a flight simulator pilot’s use in their training.My goal was first, to help her shift from “I can’t find it in my heart to see good in this person” to “I can…” Then, my goal in sharing these stories was to provide her with a couple of paths to doing so. This ability to provide both hope that a positive outcome is possible, and an example of how to make the outcome happen, is one of reasons why sharing stories is such a powerful way of helping people solve problems and achieve better outcomes.

Here is LeRoy Lowell’s Story

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Apr 23, 2013 | 2 comments View Post