Legend in Their Own Mind Syndrome: How to use stories to (gently) challenge this

Here’s an example of using a story to prompt self-reflection and foster self-awareness. I sometimes tell this story when doing programs on how to work with people having different personality styles.

It enables me to present a couple of messages indirectly that, if I said directly, might be too hard to hear for the people who most need to hear them. By using a story, I can get the points across in a safe, non-confrontational way.

See if you can intuit what those messages are before I talk about them in this post.

Also, notice that the story taps into a common fear of people, which increases the odds that it will have an immediate impact and will be remembered.

See if you can identify that fear.

So…here’s the story…

I was just reflecting on a poignant experience I had with a group of managers a while back. We were exploring how to identify and work with different behavioral styles.

As part of the program, people sorted themselves into one of four styles, using the DISC profile. They then answered a series of questions, like “If you want to annoy me when talking with me, do this” and “This is how I like to be delegated to…”

Then, representatives of each style lined up in front of the room and we went down the list of questions. So for each question, the audience could compare how each style responded.

A young woman, who we’ll call Deb, represented the D’s or Drivers. If you’re not familiar with the DISC profile, Drivers tend to be very forceful, direct, no nonsense people. When they lack self-awareness, they can be overly blunt, harsh, and insensitive.

When Deb would share the D’s response to the questions, she frequently included comments like “Of course we’re right” and other self-congratulatory type responses. A couple of times, the group actually gasped at her remarks. While I obviously don’t know what they were thinking as they gasped in horror, I could guess based on my perceptions…and frankly…judgments.

Number one, I was taken aback at just how pleased she was with herself.

Number two, I was taken aback by her lack of self-awareness that the things she was saying were so unflattering. They were the kinds of things that would be best not shared, even if you think them.

Her lack of self-awareness was truly stunning.

But then…maybe she was NOT so unaware.

When the exercise was over, I asked people to get into small groups to process what take away messages they had gotten.

I happened to be near her and her group and as I observed, I noticed the facial expression on this overly confident acting, seemingly full-of-herself woman.

She looked stricken.

She then shared with her group, something to this effect: “You know how  there are things you think are really cool about yourself…and then you can see from people’s reactions  that maybe they’re not…?”

While on one hand, I felt sorry for her because of the obvious pain she was feeling. On the other hand, I was so glad for her. She had gotten feedback that, if she uses it, can literally change the course of her life.

It made me think about how we each can be speaking and acting in ways that turn off others, and be totally unaware of that…and totally unaware of the price we are paying for those behaviors.

We might not even know that people don’t ask us to participate in projects, or ask for our opinions, or share openly with us. We might not know how we have damaged relationships—whether personal or professional—by our communication and relationship style.

This why it is so important to:

1)      Practice mindfulness in our actions with others.

 

2)      Learn about our behavioral and personality style (whether DISC, Myers Briggs, or the myriad of other inventories) and our potential blind spots.

 

3)      Seek feedback, both anonymously and directly.

 

So…there you have it.

A “Self-Awareness Building” Story you can model.

 

Questions:

1. What fear does the story tap into, that increases it’s motivational value? In other words, it makes it more likely that people will listen to, and be affected by, the story?
2. What situations do you find yourself in where you need people to be more self-aware of how they come across and perhaps the “emotional wake” they leave?
3. What versions of this story or other examples of “Self-Awareness Stories” can you think of?