“What are you continuing to do, that’s not working?”
I had an interesting experience recently listening to a friend share an “Ah ha” experience.
It was interesting because it was a great example of how telling a story—especially a self-deprecating story—can be a disarming way to communicate a hard-to-hear message.
When you tell a self-deprecating story about yourself learning a hard lesson or a story about confronting yourself, the other person can hear the take-away-message much more easily than if you said: “You know, you need to…”
The Message Gets Lost Because of How It Was Delivered
Think of how you react when people “get all in your face” about something, when they tell you their point of view or give unsolicited advice in a bossy, know-it-all way.
Even if their observation or feedback is valid, because you felt attacked, you defended.
Often when this happens, we dismiss the message because we didn’t like how it was delivered.
Because their tone and/or words seemed either too judgmental, too one-up, or presumptuous –“Who do they think they are lecturing me on this!?”—we focus on the delivery and ignore the wisdom of the message.
We can avoid that mistake when we’re the ones delivering a hard-to-hear message by sharing self-deprecating stories. They communicate both mutuality—“I don’t think of myself as better”—and vulnerability, often in an amusing, engaging ways.
They personify the old Firesign Theatre saying “We’re all Bozos on this bus.”
Here’s the Story
My friend called me to say he had an epiphany.
He said he found himself doing something that he often counsels his clients to do, but hadn’t been doing himself.
He asked himself: “What are you STILL doing…even though it’s not working?”
He then shared ruefully “I figured if I’m telling my clients to ask themselves that, I better be drinking my own Kool Aid.”
As he shared this, I found myself thinking “Hmmm. What are YOU, David, still doing right now…even though it isn’t working?”
Notice what happened.
He Was Confronting HIMSELF, But What Did I Do?
He didn’t tell me to examine what I was still doing that wasn’t working. He just shared how he asked that himself.
However, it’s human nature to connect what others say to our own experience.
Think about what happens with you when someone tells you about something that they’re dealing with or something that happened to them. Many times, you automatically think about our own version of their experience.
When You Talk about Something, THEY Start Thinking About THAT Something
Even when someone doesn’t make the connection consciously, they are probably making the connection unconsciously.
Dr. Milton Erickson, the legendary hypnotherapist whose method of therapeutic storytelling I studied for years, used to say something like “If you want your patient to think about and talk about their childhood…tell them something about yours.”
So…if you want your coaching client to do some soul-searching or self-examination, you can share an example of how you did that.
“So I said to him…” Stories Deliver a Strong Message in a Gentle Way
Also, my friend’s story is a version of what I call “So I said to him…” stories. This is essentially what students of Dr. Erickson called “My friend Joe” stories and “talking in quotes.” Dr. Erickson would tell stories of what he said to other people as a way to deliver a message the patient wasn’t ready to hear directly.
Here’s an example of what such a story might sound like:
“I was getting really concerned about how much effort she was putting into convincing herself that she couldn’t take that next step…and NO effort into exploring what she might be able to do to take that next step….
… so I said to her ‘What would happen if you stopped telling yourself you can’t do it…if you STOP RIGHT NOW…and instead, explored with me about what small steps you CAN TAKE RIGHT NOW… steps that would steer you in the direction of what you want in your life…are you willing to do that?’ She took a deep breath and said ‘OK’ and she started to throw out possible next steps. Where only minutes before, she saw no options, suddenly she was seeing things she could do….”*
Now you could directly challenge someone with that message: “What would happen if you stopped telling yourself you can’t do it…if you…”
Some people would be willing to hear it and take it in.
Others might politely go along with you, but their heart wouldn’t be in the exploring, because they felt too challenged and too in need of defending their inability to move forward.
Others would simply shut down and tune you out.
It’s Just a Story…
But…because you’re telling it in a story, there’s nothing for them to defend against, and because of that, they can take in the message.
Back to my friend’s story. It was a “cousin” of the “So I said to him…” story genre, because it was actually what he said to himself.
By the way, notice that because I am now telling YOU the story that he told ME, it’s now technically a “So my friend said to himself…” story.
So, What Does This All Mean to You?
Four things to reflect on about this simple, very short story.
- Often a challenging message that might trigger defensiveness is best delivered in a “So I said to him…” or “So I said to myself…” story.
- Notice how the above story is a great example of how you can use a very simple and very brief story to deliver a powerful message.
- When you’re the fallible person in the story, rather than the all-knowing wise one who is teaching someone else (as some personal development guru stories are), your modeling fallibility and authenticity makes it easier for the listener to acknowledge theirs.
- Reflect on the message in my friend’s story. That’s one of the reasons why I wanted to share that particular story with you. BTW… I’m still reflecting on, and working with it…
*Any guesses why I used that example? If you do, please post in comments section.
Also…if you want to become an even better storyteller, check out Storytelling for Leaders which is on sale until Sept 30th.
