Category: Perspective Shift Stories

How to Use a Story to Shift Someone From Hopeless to Hopeful; From Disempowered to “I can do this!”

Sport and life achievements and success concept. Rear view sporty girl raising arms towards beautiful glowing sunshine.

You’ve probably tried to coach someone who was stuck in a “There’s nothing I can do about it” frame of mind and no how difficult it is for a person in that state to hear your helpful suggestions or see opportunities to change.

This is where a story well told can be incredibly useful.

The right story can help someone shift their emotional state from one of feeling fearful or hopeless to curious and hopeful.

Because our state profoundly affects our performance knowing HOW to help someone shift into a more empowered, “I can do this” state is a hugely important skill to have.

Here’s an example of using a story to do that…

After I had finished a program at an organization, a young supervisor pulled me aside to ask for my advice.

She told me how she had inherited a team that included a very toxic long-term employee who had been allowed to treat people abusively. The new supervisor had tried once to address this and it had–surprise, surprise–no effect.

She said she knew she should have another conversation, but was dreading it.

She said she knew this person should be fired and that it will probably come down to this, and found the idea of having that conversation scary.

As she told me this, her whole posture communicated defeat and hopelessness. Her face looked anxious and beleaguered.

She Wants an Answer, But Isn’t Ready to Hear It

In my early years as a consultant I would have immediately answered her question about what she would do.

Now, I know that my first job was to help her shift her state because not only does our emotional state affect our performance, it profoundly affects our perspective. Just think of how differently you see challenges when you are tired or don’t feel well compared to when you are rested and feel well. When you feel poorly, they seem big and overwhelming. When you’re rested and feel well, they seem manageable.

So back to my young supervisor…

Let’s Shift That State First

So how can I shift her to an empowered, more hopeful state?

I shared one of my favorite stories told to me by my friend Fran, who’s a great coach and storyteller.

It was about a woman she inherited on her team who was extremely toxic. In fact, the owners of the company told her when she was hired that they wanted her to fire this lady (despite no one having the courage to do it in the past).

Fran had a couple of conversations with the woman when she acted out, trying to give her a chance, but to no avail.

It’s Time to Free Up Her Future

Fran called Mary into a conference room and, in her classic deeply caring, accepting, and curious way, said to Mary: “You don’t seem happy here Mary…” and then shared a couple of examples of Mary’s toxic behavior.

At first, Mary got defensive, but then admitted she hadn’t been happy for years.

They talked more, and Fran started talking about how Mary will be so much happier with work that fits her better.

You’re Fired!

At one point, Mary stopped and stared.

“You’re firing me!” she exclaimed.

“Yes!” said Fran, again in her caring and enthusiastic way.

“Wow! I never knew getting fired could be so fun!” Mary chortled.

They laughed together and then Fran said “You know…here’s what I think is going to happen, Mary. In six months you’ll be calling me telling me that you found the perfect job for you, and you’re going to be so much happier…that’s what I see…”

Thanks for Firing Me!

Sure enough, about six months goes by and Mary calls Fran. She says that she is now in school studying to be something she always wanted to be (I can’t remember what) and is having the time of her life. She thanked Fran for firing her.

From “I would rather have a root canal than talk to her” to “I can do this!”

It still warms my heart to picture this young lady’s shift when she heard the story. She burst out laughing when I told her the “Wow! I never knew firing could be so fun!” and looked hopeful and encouraged when she heard about the call.

NOW…We can Discuss The How

Now that she was in this shifted, empowered state, she could be receptive to whatever advice I had to share. If we hadn’t done this step first, she would have silently dismissed my suggestions, believing that they wouldn’t work in her circumstance with this lady.

I bet you can think of examples of when that’s happened in your life. Someone asks you for advice and you share with them what you believe to be helpful–and maybe even obvious–advice and practical “how to” suggestions, and they either say “Yeah but…” or you can tell by their expression that they are dismissing what you say as impossible.

That’s why you want to help them shift their state first.

One way to do that–in fact, one of my favorites–is what I call “If I could handle that, I can handle this!” stories.

This particular story is what I call a Perspective Shift Story.

These stories start out matching the client’s belief system or perspective on the problem…in this case “It will of course be horrible to have a disciplinary or termination conversation.” When you tell them well, you draw the listener by matching their perspective. They resonate fully with the dilemma and the “obvious” perspective.

Then…you have a surprise ending that offers a totally different perspective, and BAM!

What seemed obvious to the person is now called into question.

From Certainty to Doubt…The Key to A New, More Empowered Perspective

Not only does this shift their state, which was the goal in this situation, but it also introduces doubt where before there was only certainty attached to their limiting, disempowering perspective. This is a topic all of its own and is explored in this post.

For This Purpose, The Main Goal of the Perspective Shift Story Was State Shift

In this case, I loved this story because it didn’t just create a new perspective that challenged her assumption, it did so in a fun, funny, enlivening way, which shifted her to a more empowered state.

That broke the negative “spell” she was under and allowed us to get to work on The How.

So…What To Do With This?

1. Think about experiences you have had, or have heard about, that are amusing, surprising, empowering, and/or inspiring.–These are all potentially useful stories you can use to help someone shift their state. Notice what emotion they stir up in you and ask “in what situations could I use this to elicit the same emotion in a client or audience?”

2. Keep a simple story database so you can draw on them later–Doing this will be a game-changer. It has been for me. I can guarantee that you will forget most of the great, potentially useful, stories you could tell if you don’t keep them in a database. I use a simple two column Word doc, with each row of the table for one story. In the left column, I put some searchable key words and phrases like “self-awareness”, “stories we tell ourselves”, “self-talk” and then in the right hand column, I put enough detail in so I can look at it months later and remember the story in enough detail to tell it.

Advanced Transformational Storytelling

A Workshop for Counselors, Coaches, and Change Agents

with David Lee

September 21st | 8:30-3:30 | Westbrook, Maine

Sep 12, 2018 | 0 comments View Post

How to Use “If I could handle that, I can handle this!” Stories in Coaching

One of the story genres that are especially helpful to coaches or anybody helping people face a major challenge is the “If I could handle THAT, I can handle THIS” story.

By sharing your own “If I could handle THAT, I can handle THIS” story with a client–or if you’re a manager, with a team member or your whole team–and then asking them to share their own version of this experience, you can help them shift from a state of disempowerment where they cannot see any possibilities to one of empowerment, where they can.

Because one’s emotional and physiological state affects how one perceives a situation–e.g., if you’re tired, problems look bigger than when you’re rested–helping someone shift to a more powerful emotional and physiological state helps them shift their perception. They are able to see the situation in a very different way; they are able to see possibilities and options where before they could not.

Telling an “If I could handle THAT, I can handle THIS” or a “I didn’t think I could do it…but I did!” story well doesn’t just help shift the listener’s state.

It also triggers the listener’s mind to search for similar experiences in their memory bank.

Think about what happens when someone shares an experience with you.

You find yourself thinking of your own version of that experience.

When you share a “If I could handle THAT, I can handle THIS” or a “I didn’t think I could do it…but I did!”story with a person, they aren’t just taking in your story.

Their mind is connecting YOUR story with their own version of that experience.

This further shifts their emotional/physiological state.

Then, having them share their own experience, accesses that state even more.

Now…in this emotional/physiological state, they are FAR more capable of seeing solutions and believing they can solve the problem.

Here is a brief excerpt from a program on resilience where I share my own “If I could handle THAT, I can handle THIS” story with the group and ask them to do the same with a partner, and then discuss how to use this when helping their team navigate the major technology initiative their organization was undergoing.

Jun 20, 2017 | 0 comments View Post

How to use a story to pack a bigger punch

In Made to Stick, Chip and Dan Heath identify stories as one of the six keys to communicating your ideas in a way that makes them pack a bigger punch and stick in your audience’s minds…forever.

Here’s an example of this in action. This story is from a talk I gave on resilience. The technique I share in the video is what I call Instant Perspective, which basically boils down to asking “Is this going to be a big deal a year from now?”

While I could have just shared this question with audience, the audience might have likely just thought “I already know that technique.”

To make the point more interesting and more enjoyable for the audience, I wrapped the technique in this story. I’ve had people come up to me and say they heard this story years ago and have told it to their friends…that’s the power of storytelling.

For More On How to Use Stories to Become a More Interesting and Persuasive CommunicatorIf you want to learn more about how to use stories to make your message come alive, come to upcoming seminar:

Tell a better story. Become more interesting. Grow your business.

When: June 24rd · 12:45PM-1:45PM

Where: O’Maine Studio, Portland, Maine

A Maine Startup & Create Week Partner Program

For more information

Jun 23, 2015 | 0 comments View Post

Use Self-Effacing Humor to Make You More Relatable and… Your Point Punchy

Even if we aren’t trying to come across as a guru or think we are any better than the people we are speaking to in an audience, just the fact that we are on stage can create a barrier. It can make it harder for people to relate to us. One of the best ways to dismantle this barrier is by telling stories about you making mistakes, about you being imperfect.

Here’s one of my favorite personal examples of using a story to do this. I love to use this story because it not only helps people get it that I realize I’m just a regular guy sharing with them, but that it also helps to make a simple resilience-enhancing technique more memorable because it’s packaged in a funny story.

Stories that include surprise or humor are a great way to make your ideas “Sticky” (vis a vis Made to Stick by Chip and Dan Heath). They make a simple idea–like the one in the video you’ll see shortly–hit home more powerfully than if you just shared the idea, and…they make your point more memorable.

So…start collecting experiences you’ve had where you were “the fool” and think about how you can use them in your presentations to make you more bond-able and make your points hit home harder.

Here’s the link to the story and video on my resilience website WhateverLifeBrings.com.

Aug 18, 2014 | 0 comments View Post

Make Your Coaching and Selling Points More Persuasive with Analogies

Want to make your important ideas pack a bigger punch?

Use analogies.

Analogies don’t just make abstract ideas concrete, and therefore more understandable. They also make your points more persuasive. Often when you are trying to teach or persuade, ideas that to you are self-evident are NOT self-evident to your audience.

They don’t have all the context you have which makes your point obviously true. They don’t have your experience or expertise. So your job is to put your idea into terms they CAN relate to, and into terms where it makes your point an “Off course!” idea.

Analogies from within your audience’s realm of knowledge and experience help you do that.

So for instance, take a labyrinth.

From the ground view, finding your way out of it can be daunting because you can’t see the big picture. You can’t see the path out. However, someone from an aerial view can easily see where you are, and what path you need to take.

“Hmmm…what might this be an analogy for?”

Now…think about what a labyrinth could be an analogy for.

Hey…I’ve got an idea? How about….”the value of coaching”?

One of the biggest benefits of coaching is that the coach can see things that the person in the midst of their problem—their labyrinth—cannot.

When we are in the midst of our challenges, we often cannot see the big picture or the way out because we are at the ground level. All we see are walls blocking our way. A skilled coach, however, can see possibilities and options that we cannot because they are not in the middle of the drama. They have perspective. It’s like their having an aerial view of our labyrinth.

Now, this analogy also speaks to the fact that as a coach, you don’t have to have special powers or a Mensa IQ (although those might help). Just the fact that you are NOT that person gives you a perspective they cannot have.

Here’s an An Analogous Experience (and an Example of Using an Experience as an Analogy)

It’s like when I was a therapist many years ago and participated in peer supervision. I often noticed with bemusement how my colleagues and I were always far more confident in our treatment recommendations for each others’ clients than we were of our own. Because we weren’t emotionally involved with the issues our colleague was dealing with, we could take a more dispassionate view and not have our perceptions clouded by the emotionality of the situation.

Having some distance from the problem didn’t just allow us to see options that the therapist immersed in the challenging situation couldn’t. Having that distance also helped us not second guess our intuition and judgment.

Because we weren’t having to deal with the issues that the situation was triggering for the therapist, or have to deal with the client’s doubts and fears, we would not have the self-doubt they would. We felt confident in our assessments and recommendations.

But then…when it was our turn to share our challenging case, WE would be the one feeling conflicted and self-doubting.

I bet you can totally relate to that phenomenon.

Here Are Three Ways You Can Apply This:

Feel free to use the labyrinth analogy when explaining to a potential client the value of having a coach and how it’s not about them not being smart enough or somehow “less than.” It’s just part of human nature that others can see things that we can’t when we’re in the midst of them.
Identify key points you frequently make and see if you can come up with analogies from other domains that make those points more punchy and more “Well of course that makes sense!”-able.
Also…notice how the picture of the labyrinth makes the analogy hit home even more (aka “A picture is worth a thousand words”). For your presentations, find pictures that visually depict your analogy.

Jun 23, 2014 | 0 comments View Post

In Every Crisis, Hides an Opportunity: A Perspective Shift Story

Here’s one of my favorite stories. I often use it in programs on dealing with stress, managing change, and building resilience. I’m sharing it with you both because of the content and also as an example of using a story to make your point hit home at a deeper level and live on in the listener’s memory…i.e. using a story to make your point “stickier.”

After watching the video, notice how I could just have just said “Learn to tune your brain to notice the hidden opportunities that exist in crises” or I could have just told the audience “the Chinese character for Crisis is actually a combination of the character for Danger and the character for Opportunity”.

While that little factoid definitely makes the point stickier, it is also possible that a lot of people involved in personal development have already heard that. So…by using a story to make this point, I offer them a fresh perspective on the concept. Also, because the point is framed in a story, chances are they will remember it better than if I just used the other two methods.

For people interested in being more attuned to finding stories to use in the presentations, this Perspective Shift Story is a great example of how you can find stories in simple, everyday experiences.

Jun 10, 2013 | 0 comments View Post

Using Your Personal Story to Inspire and Instruct: the Mound Road Story by Bob Terson

I first heard about Bob Terson, author of Selling Fearlessly, through Steve Lahey’s Small Businss Talent site. I was struck both by his wonderful use of stories and how his goodness and desire to help others was so evident.

In the interview, Steve Lahey noted that Selling Fearlessly was story-based, rather than a dry, techincally written book. Bob said he consciously chose that format.

Bob knows the power of stories.

I ended up purchasing Selling Fearlessly (loved it) in part because of the focus on courage and stepping outside your comfort zone and in part because, given Bob’s interview, it seemed like a great example of how to use stories to make your point come alive.

I wanted to share with you my favorite story in the book because its a message we all need to hear now and then…especially if we are going through challenging times.

It’s an example of what I call the “If I could survive THAT…I can survive THIS!” perspective and how to use a story to remind people that they have the courage and ability to prevail over the “dark night of the soul” they are going through.

OK…enough of the preamble…Here’s the opening of the story and then a link to the rest.

“The Mound Road Story”

Chapter 1 from Selling Fearlessly: A Master Salesman’s Secrets for the One-Call-Close Salesperson

– By Robert Terson

I think a hero is an ordinary individual who finds strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles.” – Christopher Reeve (1952-2004)

In the Introduction I quoted Olympic pole-vaulter Bob Richards: “Every day ordinary people do extraordinary things.” Now I’m going to tell you about an extraordinary event, 41 years ago, which turned my life around forever; I call it “The Mound Road Story.” It encompasses all three sides of the selling Triangle (see Chapter 9, “The Triangle”). I’ve told this true story, maybe, a hundred times; and each time I tell it, a tidal wave of incredulity sweeps me out to sea and I ask myself: Would my professional life have been markedly different, would the success I achieved been lessened, if that remarkable event had never taken place? It truly makes me wonder.

Here’s some background to help you appreciate that improbable night and morning. I trained four weeks before going into the field alone that Wednesday; my first town was New Lenox, Illinois, approximately ten miles east of Joliet. I lost two presentations that first day and two more the following day, Thursday. I also set up an appointment Thursday to present to two women, partners in a beauty salon; forty years have faded their names into oblivion, but we’ll call them Margaret and Joanna. They were in their mid-thirties and, as I recall, quite attractive. So I was 0 for 4, a bit shaky mental-attitude-wise—my fantasies had foreseen instant record-breaking numbers—and a dark shadow of desperation stalked me as I drove over to that beauty salon.

Bob Trudeau, who taught me the telephone-book-cover advertising business, used to say, “The first olive out of the bottle is the toughest; they start pouring out after you get that first one out.” I craved that first olive out of the bottle.

My subconscious must have been working in overdrive, because when I got there, I re-qualified them to make sure they were the sole decision makers; it’s a good thing I did.

“Well, actually,” Margaret said, “we’d have to get our husbands’ approval, too; it takes all four of us to decide anything.”

The sound you would have heard was air exploding from my lungs via my agape mouth. You’ve heard about the deer caught frozen in the headlights? Well, that was me. I thought I’d properly qualified them earlier, but obviously not—a rookie mistake. I was making too many of them. Oh, God, what else can go wrong?

About Bob Terson: Robert Terson writes the Selling Fearlessly blog and is the author of “Selling Fearlessly: A Master Salesman’s Secrets For the One-Call-Close Salesperson.” He has retired from a 40 year career in sales, including owning his own company, to write, speak, and help others succeed; to give back for a lifetime of blessings.

for more about Bob…

May 30, 2013 | 1 comment View Post

What’s Your Africa: an “I didn’t think I could…but I did!” story by Martina Mangelsdorf

Note from David: This magical story is a wonderful example of what I call an “I didn’t think I could do it…but I did” story. Technically, it’s more of a cousin to this genre…it’s more of a “I didn’t think I would survive it…but I did!” story.

These stories are powerful vehicles for helping people facing major life challenges to remember that they are stronger than they think.

This simple reminder is one of the perspective shift techniques I encourage people to use in the programs I do on resilience training.

More specifically, I recommend that when you are going through hard times, to remember really tough storms you have already weathered and remind yourself:

“Hey…if I could handle THAT…I can handle THIS!”

While your “THAT” might not be as wild as Martina’s, I’m sure you have some experiences that, when recalled, can easily remind you of how resilient and resourceful you have proven yourself to be in the past.

You Can Use This Type of Story When Coaching Some Who Is Feeling Overwhelmed

You can use your own “I didn’t think I could do it…but I did!” story to help others you coach shift into a more resourceful, empowered state of mind while facing challenges.

Here’s the very simple process:

1. Share the concept of “You are stronger than you think” with them and how when we are facing challenges, its easy to feel small and overwhelmed. While in that state, we cannot see options and opportunities.

2. Ask them to list major challenges they’ve overcome in their life and to tell you about at least one of them. As they recount their story of overcoming, they start to shift them into a more resourceful, empowered state. Once in that more empowered emotional and mental state, they can see opportunities and options where before they could only see obstacles.

3. If they are too overwhelmed or distraught to come up with any examples–share an example from your own life–i.e. your version of Martina’s–and see if that helps them connect with an experience of theirs that revealed to them their true measure of courage and strength.

4. After they tell their story or stories, they will have shifted into a more reourceful state. Once in that state, they are far more able to look at their current challenge with a “Can do” spirit and see options and opportunities previously unnoticed.

OK…enough of how to use this type of story..let’s get to Martina’s magical story…

What’s Your Africa?

by Martina Mangelsdorf

When it comes to facing challenges and overcoming obstacles, it helps to have a mantra that you can call upon when you need encouragement, comfort and self-motivation. Mine is Africa.

I was fortunate to see a lot of planet Earth when, in my late 20’s, I fulfilled my childhood dream of backpacking around the world solo. In total, I spent 15 months on the road, travelling across five continents on a shoestring. This life changing experience not only shaped my view of human nature, it also provided me with an infinite number of lessons learned that I will be able to call upon for the rest if my life.

This one is about how getting the right advice at the right time can shape your destiny and how a moment of crisis and break-down can serve as a source of inspiration and strength later on.

I started my world trip crossing the African continent from Cairo to Cape Town, travelling almost the entire distance overland. A couple of months into my trip, I was about to leave Lusaka, the capital of Zambia, and planned to take a public transit bus to Lilongwe, Malawi. I arrived at the bus station a quarter past nine in the morning and bought my ticket for this 12-hour ride. The bus wasn’t there yet but the guy at the ticket counter assured me that it was about to arrive “just now”. Interpreting that as “in a little while from now” I took off my backpack and looked for a place to sit. There was only one small bench which was already taken by other waiting passengers. It was pretty cold – and when I say ‘pretty’, I mean I was freezing – but I thought, whatever, it’s not going to take long and I’ll be out of here.

Well, yeah, that was around 9:30 am. After about an hour, I understood from conversations of the people around me that the bus had a problem and would be late. The guy who had sold me the ticket actually came to tell me that a tree was blocking the road somewhere and that the bus was stuck but that it would be coming as soon as the road had been cleared.

Okay, I thought, it’s not their fault then, how nice he even cares to inform me.

So far, no hard feelings on my side – until a lady who sat close by told me a little later that what he had told me wasn’t true: the bus had a technical problem and had broken down in a town two hours away.

She claimed she actually knew that because that’s where she came from and she had just called her husband who told her that the bus was still there, waiting to be repaired. Wow, if the bus was stuck two hours away and still needed to be fixed, it meant that it would take quite some time before we would be picked up. I have no idea why the guy didn’t tell me the truth but instead, all passengers were assured that the bus was “on its way”.

I would have preferred to return to my hostel, where at least I would have been able to wait in the warmth of the common room, but I didn’t have enough Zambian cash anymore to pay for another taxi ride. So I thought, okay, what a nice opportunity to exercise my patience for three more hours and I continued to read my book – standing in the cold. By the time I finished it, it was passed noon and I realized that I was not only cold but also getting hungry. Still no sign of the bus and all that the people in the ticket booth kept saying was that it was coming. Well, it had been “coming” for quite some time now without ever arriving and by then, I wasn’t even sure if I could believe them anymore.

Time passed by and in the late afternoon, passengers started to get annoyed.

Some wanted to return their tickets and get their money back but the people in the ticket booth refused to do that, saying that the bus would be here “any minute”. Well, I am going to make a looong story short by telling you that by 6 pm, it got dark but still there was no bus. In addition to freezing my nose off and my stomach screaming for food, by then I also had to go to the bathroom. Not that easy, when you cannot leave your luggage unattended and hope for the bus to finally show up “any minute”!

In the meantime, people started to camp on the ground and mothers tried to keep their babies warm by wrapping them in all sorts of covers or blankets. I couldn’t believe that the ticket guys still had the nerves to say that the bus was “coming right now” each time someone would go and ask them how long it still takes.

If there had been any other way to get to Malawi, now I would have done anything to put an end to this waiting. I was cold, I was hungry and I was exhausted from not knowing how this day would end. The last thing I wanted was to spend the night at this bus station! More and more passengers argued with the ticket people, so in the end, they just left their booth unattended to avoid more stress and questions.

Last but not least, the bus showed up at 9 pm – 12 hours later than scheduled! As soon as the bus pulled up to the station, I was surprised to see that it looked pretty full and hardly no one seemed to get off. It didn’t take long for all the people who had been waiting with me to realize the same thing and all of a sudden, everybody started to rush and push, just to make sure they would get on. To be honest, I didn’t have the strength to go and fight for a seat. At that point, I almost didn’t care anymore. Hence, I didn’t join the bulk of fighting passengers but for whatever reason, the guy who was in charge of admitting people on the bus came over and pulled me through the crowd of angry pushing people. He got me on the bus and found me a seat and I didn’t know if I should be happy and thankful or feel guilty about it.

Somehow, I couldn’t help but think he did this only because I was the only white person in the crowd. I told him to give my seat to one of the women who were travelling with their crying babies but he didn’t even listen to me.

The chaos inside and around this bus is hard to describe but I was so exhausted and apathetic at this point that in the end I gave in and just stayed put in my seat. Even if I had wanted to move, it would have been very difficult and became increasingly impossible as the bus filled up. People squeezed in the narrow seats and the walkway, clinging to their bags and babies. Children got handed over people’s heads and found a place on someone’s lap.

In the end, I had the impression people were piled up in the corridor and yet more passengers tried to get onboard. I don’t know if ultimately anyone was left behind or not because I had closed my eyes and tried to mentally escape from this place, until we were finally on the road.

I can tell you that my understanding of a “packed” bus took on a totally new meaning after this experience. My big backpack had gone in the luggage compartment but I still had my smaller backpack on my lap. As the seat rows were very narrow, I basically couldn’t move my legs at all.

Besides, the lady who sat next to me was a huge woman who took half of my seat space in addition to hers – the fact that the woman next to her was of the same size, did not help to allocate their tremendous volume without squeezing me in. Seeing the other passengers though, especially those standing crammed in the walkway, I felt bad to even complain about my relatively comfortable position.

Since we only left Lusaka at 9:30 pm, we ended up driving over night but it was impossible to fall asleep: The bus radio was turned on all night and played on full blast. The music sounded like crying cats howling at the moon.

After a while I used my earplugs but the music was so loud, I could still hear it. The air inside the bus was awful, too – no wonder with a bunch of sweating people crammed together in an overloaded vehicle. I also saw some cockroaches and other weird bugs crawling on the seats in front of me.

Since I couldn’t move my legs, at least I tried to pull my socks over my trousers, so nothing could climb up on me… We drove almost non-stop but that didn’t help to make it a less unpleasant ride. Apart from the poking and pushing when someone tried to make his way from the back of the bus towards the only door at the front in order to get off at one of the few stops, I kept thinking of the frequent reports about overcrowded African buses involved in deadly accidents. For sure, no one would survive if this bus had an accident – which at the speed we were going, wouldn’t have come as a surprise.

When the bus arrived in Lilongwe, it was 10 am. I couldn’t believe that I made it: 24 hours after I had left, I finally reached my destination! All I wanted to do at that point was lie down and sleep. But before I could get anywhere close to whatever type of accommodation, I needed local money.

Since I had no Malawian currency to pay for any other means of transport, I shouldered my 30kg luggage and started walking. It was quite a walk but not enough with that: When I finally arrived at the first bank, it turned out that it only took local cards. I tried a second and a third one but their machines did not accept international credit cards neither (which makes Malawi the only country on my entire world trip where I could not use ATMs!).

There were a couple of foreign exchange bureaus but none of them was open on a Sunday. Some shady people offered me to change black money in the streets but this was the last thing I was ready to do and I felt increasingly unsafe. After one and a half hours of walking around town, I was done.

My last bit of strength was gone, my luggage weighed more than ever and all I could think of was not to faint. I hadn’t slept nor eaten since the previous morning, I had enough plastic money to buy half of the town but no cash to get me anywhere.

So I finally walked up to a nice looking taxi driver and asked him if he would drive me for US dollars. I probably looked so desperate, that he didn’t even take advantage of my situation and drove me for the regular local price converted into dollars.

I arrived at the hostel around 11:30 am and they gave me a bed in a double room for 12 dollars a night which was far above my budget but I didn’t care.

All I wanted was a space to collapse. And as soon as I was alone in my room, that’s what I did.

Until today, I call that instant my moment of crisis and if I ever had doubts about my trip or was ready to give up, this was the time I was closest to do so. I actually took my German mobile phone which I had with me for emergencies only and decided that this moment definitely qualified. I called my parents and as soon as they were on the line, I broke down.

I had reached my limits; I was shaking and crying, saying that I couldn’t take it anymore and that all I wanted was to come home. All the stress and exhaustion of the past hours, days and weeks seemed to unload and poured out of me in one big wave of tears.

Looking back, I must say that my parents’ reaction was great. Although they would have had every reason to freak out hearing me like this, they remained calm and serene. All they did was listen and trying to calm me down. Even when I said that I had enough and was ready to take the next flight home, they did not push me either way. Neither did they tell me off for being so silly to chicken out just because of a little bit of trouble, nor did they completely take my side and encouraged me to come back – although it would have been very easy for them to do so and I do believe that, to a certain extent, they would have been glad and relieved if I had come home. After all, they are my parents!

But because they are my parents, they didn’t let me give up that easy. Instead, we agreed that I would take some time to relax and then take a decision whether yes or no I would continue my trip. I gave myself a week from then to see how I feel. If I still wanted to come back by then, I would fly home. But was I really ready to give up on my dream? I had to think of a comment a friend had send me in an email early on during my trip: “If you cannot pull this off, no one can.” It was a compliment and a verdict at the same time. At that point, I didn’t know if I could measure up to it.

In the end, I did finish my trip from Cairo to Cape Town and subsequently around the world.

Consumed by its unique magic and fascination, I love Africa but travelling alone as a young blonde female isn’t easy over there. The good thing was, compared to Africa, any other continent later on seemed like a walk in the park.

So for the rest of my travels and ever since then, whenever I encounter a difficult situation, something I am afraid of or when I have doubts if I can succeed in something, I refer to my memory anchor and mantra: “I did Africa”.

I crossed Africa North to South and whatever the new challenge, it can’t be as hard. If I could do that, I can do anything! Actually, to this day, the silhouette of the African continent is a mental image I use as a symbol to give me courage whenever I need it.

So, what’s your anchor? The mental image that keeps you going? What’s your Africa?

Martina is a dedicated Human Resources professional with 13 years of experience in Staffing, Talent Management and Leadership Development. Influenced by her travels around the world and by the principles of gamification and positive psychology, she has developed unique concepts that initiate behavioral change and result in sustainable leadership qualities. Her energizing facilitation and personal style have touched and inspired numerous participants in various sessions.

To learn more about Martina and her work, check out her website Gaia Insights

You can also connect with her on LinkedIn

May 11, 2013 | 0 comments View Post

Share a Story; Offer a New Perspective

Recently, I was coaching a client who had a longstanding contentious relationship with a colleague. We had discussed what she could do to create a more harmonious relationship with this person. I asked her if she could focus on the things this other person did that she really respected, practice noticing the good things this person did, and intentionally engage in pleasant interactions.

The purpose was for her to help them build positive emotional associations with their interactions to help offset the many negative emotional associations they both had around their past interactions.

My client responded honestly that she didn’t think she could. She said she had tried, but all she could think of and notice were the things this person did that angered her and which she found objectionable.Rather than challenge her further or launch into a mini-lecture on how she might overcome this obstacle, I decided to tell her a story about someone else who experienced a MAJOR shift in his relationship because of the work that he did on himself. The shift was quite miraculous.

Before I share his story—or more specifically, have him share his story—let’s talk briefly about why you want to use stories to help shift someone out of a stuck place.

Use Stories to Paint a Picture of Possibility

One of the best ways of helping someone see the possibility of a new response to a troubling relationship or situation is to tell them a story about someone else (including you) who dealt with the same challenge.

Don’t Give Advice. Tell a Story

Rather than offer your five-step solution or other helpful advice, if you instead share a story you:

Make your message more captivating, because we are fascinated by stories of other people dealing with challenges we face.
Help the person see possibility where before they could only see obstacle or certain failure. Your success story of you or someone else overcoming a similar challenge as they are facing provides them with an image of what is possible.
Help shift the person’s emotional state to a more empowered, uplifted state. In that state, they can see opportunities and generate solutions that were unavailable to them when they were feeling stuck and overwhelmed.

LeRoy Lowell

Here’s the story that I shared with my client. It was told to me by LeRoy Lowell about what happened in his contentious relationship with his mother-in-law after he did his own work.I also shared with my client about the work a friend and colleague of mine, Bonnie Vestal, MD does with people who are stuck in angry, bitter relationships with spouses, bosses, colleagues or friends, and want to feel free of the animosity that is poisoning their lives.I walked her through a visualization Dr. Vestal does with her clients that enables them to genuinely send the other person love and goodwill. I did this conversationally, simply describing the process.

My intent was to provide an opportunity for my client to insert her relationship into the “visualization walk through” if she wanted to, or to simply hear it as a description of a technique that facilitated the outcome I told her about next.After describing the technique, I shared an example of an amazing relationship transformation a client of Dr. Vestal’s had during the week following the visualization.

Bonnie Vestal, MD

I shared LeRoy Lowell’s story and Dr. Vestal’s visualization story with my client because of storytelling’s ability to create both “inspiration and simulation” as Made to Stick author’s Chip and Dan Heath say. When you share stories of people overcoming challenges, it inspires the listener, it offers hope. When you describe what the person did to overcome their challenge or achieve their result, you offer a simulated experience the listener can engage in, that shows them how they might do the same. It’s sort of like virtual reality learning, or like a flight simulator pilot’s use in their training.My goal was first, to help her shift from “I can’t find it in my heart to see good in this person” to “I can…” Then, my goal in sharing these stories was to provide her with a couple of paths to doing so. This ability to provide both hope that a positive outcome is possible, and an example of how to make the outcome happen, is one of reasons why sharing stories is such a powerful way of helping people solve problems and achieve better outcomes.

Here is LeRoy Lowell’s Story

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Apr 23, 2013 | 2 comments View Post

A Video “Perspective Shift Story” about Self-Image and Beauty

Perspective Shift Stories are a powerful, yet gentle, way of inviting a person to look at themselves or their situation in a new, more empowering way.

Sometimes you can use a short “video story” to help someone shift their perspective.

I just came upon an example of this kind of video this evening.

Earlier in the day, I stumbled upon an article about a video that spoofed how guys are the opposite of women in terms of their self-assessment of their attractiveness–i.e. the majority of men rate themselves as above average in looks (I’m sure women readers don’t find this surprising…).

The video is pretty funny, and…it made me wonder about the video it was playing off of which was sponsored by Dove and about women being out of touch with just how beautiful they are.

And then…low and behold, the ad to a Dan Pink video I wanted to send to a client just happened to be the original Dove video the other video was based on.

Besides being very moving, it’s a great example of using a video story as a vehicle for helping the listener engage in a perspective shift about whatever they see as “not enough” about who they are.

If you want to increase your ability to experience how to use this video as an example of using a video story to create a perspective shift, think about some aspects of yourself that you are less than kind to yourself in your assessment–whether something about your looks, your abilities, your accomplishments, etc.