Category: Stories for Speakers and Trainers

How to use a Self-Disclosure Story to teach Self-Awareness

PeterBregmanPhotoPeter Bregman is, in my opinion, the best in the business at using self-disclosure as a way to help people feel safe enough to engage in self-reflection.

By sharing his inner world, including his fears, insecurities, and human imperfections, he makes it safe for people to do the same. By sharing his internal world along with his missteps, he invites the reader to vicariously do the same.

This is what makes Self-Disclosure Stories such a gift to others.

By you taking the risk to share your humanity, your vulnerabilities, faux pas, and imperfections, you allow the listener or reader to acknowledge theirs with courage and compassion. You also make it easier for them to recognize and admit to unproductive attitudes and behaviors that are holding them back, things about themselves they would not acknowledge if directly confronted.

Your Self-Disclosure Story does this because it allows them to look inward and feel safe doing so. They can feel safe because they are not being directly confronted by another person to look in the mirror, as would a direct challenge like: “Have you ever noticed how you pretend you know something when you really don’t…like you just did a moment ago?”

For most of us, our natural response to unsolicited feedback and challenging questions is defensiveness.

When someone shares an observation about us that is less than flattering, or challenges us with an interpretation about our motivations or behaviors, we feel attacked.

When people feel forced to look at themselves by another, they feel exposed and flawed. Feeling exposed–and found lacking–triggers shame. When people feel shame, they are no longer open to conversation, let alone self-exploration. All they want to do is hide or fight back to stop the shame.

When you tell a Self-Disclosure Story, others can listen without fear because it is a story about you, not them.

At least on the surface.

It only becomes about them if they choose to allow that to happen. Thus, they don’t feel strong-armed into looking in the mirror.

In this state of safety, they are much more willing and able to look inward and recognize those things that, if addressed, will facilitate their growth.

Here are a few examples of areas you can use a Self-Disclosure Story:

1. How you got triggered by someone else and responded in a less than effective way, and what you learned from that.

2. How you “just knew” something was true, and then discovered it wasn’t.

3. Fears you’ve had.

4. Mistakes you made that your audience is probably making.

5. Natural human responses to situations that you’ve had, that you know your audience is either judging themselves for having, or are engaging in and don’t realize the price they are paying.

6. Ways of acted in a less-than-aware way with others that you believe your audience does and would be well served by reflecting on.

In a future post, we’ll talk about what level of self-disclosure is useful and when do you cross the line into TMI and oversharing.

In the meantime, if you follow this link, you will come across a great example of Peter Bregman’s use of Self-Disclosure Stories. Notice how, by using himself as an example, he invites you to look at yourself.

Notice how his teaching you important lessons framed in a “I blew it” story enables him to be a powerful teacher while at the same time, not coming across as a Know-It-All “I’m the guru and you’re not” way that some authorities adopt.

When you read his story, imagine him sitting with you as your coach and sharing this with you. Would you not be riveted by the story and would it not stay with you in a far more powerful way than if he just lectured at you about what you should do?

OK, enough preamble, it’s time to enjoy the story by Peter Bregman

 

 

Jun 27, 2018 | 0 comments View Post

Be a Great Interviewee: Tell Stories, Give Examples…and DON’T Get Stuck in ConceptVille

two male hands with thumbs up and down on white backgroundI just listened to an interview that, while interesting, could have been MUCH more interesting and compelling if the interviewee used examples and told stories to illustrate his points.

Here’s one example of what I mean.

The interviewee teaches mindfulness in prisons and himself had spent 14 years behind bars.

He shared his belief in the based goodness of humanity.

The interviewer asked him how challenging it was to believe in humanity’s basic goodness while living in an environment where you saw mankind behaving badly every day.

He replied by describing his informal research project while incarcerated, where he tried to find an example of a person who was inherently bad. He laughingly said that each time he thought “Alright…here’s my guy” that person would do something that revealed his basic goodness.

That’s It?????

After he moved on from that point, I found myself thinking “HEY…give me some examples of this! What did they do that surprised you…that changed your mind? I want to remember these when I find myself struggling to see the basic goodness in somebody.”

I wanted concrete examples.

I wanted specifics.

I wanted stories.

I would have loved a short story dramatizing some of the bad behaviors someone exhibited and then the surprising act of kindness, compassion, or generosity they were capable of.

I felt cheated.

And your audience feels that way when you speak only in abstract, conceptual terms–like this gentleman did–rather than following the use of conceptual and abstract terms with:

“…let me give you an example”

“…here’s an example of what I mean…”

or…telling a story that illustrates your point and then reflecting on the key takeaway message.

How to Put This To Use

For each key point you want to make, whether in an interview or a presentation, make sure you have an example and/or a story to illustrate it.

For More On This Topic

For more on how to move from ConceptVille to StoryVille when you’re doing an interviewee or speaking on a topic, check out How NOT to Suck When the Media Comes Calling

Jun 01, 2016 | 0 comments View Post

Presentation Skill Fundamentals: Start Off With a Story

 

me at O'MaineStarting your presentation off with a story is a great way to:

  1. Signal “This is different, so pay attention.”–Because it’s not the typical “Great to be here” opening or long intro/warm-up before the “real” material kicks in, starting with a story signals “this is different from the typical talk you’re  used to.” Thus it grabs their attention.

2. Grab the audience’s attention by creating an emotional connection.–Starting with a story that speaks to the audience’s key source of pain, and/or also shows what’s possible if they listen to and apply what you’re going to talk about, communicates “I understand  you and what I have will be helpful to you.” Since it speaks to something very relevant, and emotionally-charged, it grabs the audience at an emotional, visceral level, which makes them more alert and attentive.

Here’s a short clip of the story I used to open a talk titled Tell a Better Story. Become More Interesting. Grow Your Business. Notice how this story taps into a source of pain (and anxiety) many entrepreneurs and business owners (my audience at this event) have and…provides a picture of what’s possible if they listen to what I’m going to share.

Mar 30, 2016 | 0 comments View Post

Where to Find Stories to Use in Your Presentations and Sales Conversations

santanaHere’s a 30 minute video recorded a couple of years ago, that will give you examples and ideas of how to be on the lookout for everyday life experiences you can use as stories in your presentations and sales conversations.

In this video, you’ll hear how I took a simple experience I had while playing with two dogs at the animal shelter I used to volunteer at. One of the dogs, Santana (featured here) required a different approach than Harper.

In the video, I describe how I used the questions I recommend you ask whenever you experience something interesting, surprising, or amusing:

“Hmmm…what is this like?”

“What can this interesting experience be used as a metaphor, as a teaching story?”

So…with that in mind, here’s the video.

 

Mar 21, 2016 | 0 comments View Post

Use Your Origin Story to Make Your Point Hit Home

Here’s an excerpt from a program I did years ago on resilience and building your ability to handle change. One of the concepts I talked about was “Choosing Challenge”–consciously making choices that cause you anxiety. In explaining this concept, I share both part of my Origin Story as it relates to my interest in resilience. I also share an example of choosing challenge.

 

Mar 17, 2016 | 0 comments View Post

“She used to be afraid to have these conversations…” : an example of a Promise Story

 

Sport and life achievements and success concept. Rear view sporty girl raising arms towards beautiful glowing sunshine.

Sport and life achievements and success concept. Rear view sporty girl raising arms towards beautiful glowing sunshine.

Promise Stories paint a powerful picture of what can happen if…the reader, listener or potential prospect uses the information or system you are sharing.

They communicate up front “This is why it’s worth listening to what I’m about to share”.

Here’s an example of how to use a Promise Story, from an ezine I sent out to my HumanNatureAtWork.com  subcribers that is based on a conversation I had  with a client.

Storytelling in Action

It’s an example of a couple of storytelling lessons:

1. How to use simple, seemingly unremarkable experiences as the foundation of a teaching story

2. How to use success stories as Promise Stories that encourage people to do the work necessary to get the result they want.

So…here’s the ezine issue with the story as foundation:

I had an inspiring conversation with a client yesterday that made me want to ask you an important question. I’ll share with you what they revealed in a moment, but first the question:

 “What conversation are you avoiding because you don’t think it will go well, but… if it DID go well…it would make a BIG difference in your ability to deliver better results at work and…mean less stress for you?”

  • Maybe it’s a conversation with a peer who is really negative or isn’t pulling their weight.
  • Maybe it’s someone you supervise who isn’t performing at the level you need, but they always get defensive when you try to give them feedback, so you convince yourself their sub-par performance is not THAT bad.
  • Maybe it’s your boss who micromanages or doesn’t listen and it’s slowly eroding your enjoyment of, and commitment to, your work.
  • Maybe it’s at a more global level…maybe you don’t see the level of initiative and “How can we help this company succeed?” in your employees.

[ Note: this bullet point list is based on my old hypnotherapy days. Throwing out a number of potential situations the listener or reader can relate to helps them connect your story with their own life, both at the conscious and the subconscious level. It’s a way to help your stories connect with people at a deeper, more visceral level]

The email continues…

Whatever the issue and whatever the conversation you need to have…but aren’t, you probably have at least one you can think of.

Well, I’m here to tell you that, despite what you fear, that important conversation CAN work out.

I’m also here to tell you that, if you put in the effort to learn the skills of having constructive conversations and you face your fear and HAVE the conversation, it gets easier and easier…

…until you either no longer fear those conversations or…you might feel some anxiety but you are so confident in your abilities, you have them anyway, because you know the odds are they will go well…

Besides my own experiences with this, I have two reports yesterday from clients who shared their victories.

I will share one of them with you.

OK, Here’s the Promise Story

I was doing “Post-Series Wrap-Up” sessions with members of a management team I had been working with for the last six months. As part of these conversations, I asked how satisfied they were with their progress on the Professional Development Plan we put together.

One of the managers had labeled herself in the beginning as “spineless”.

She confessed to avoiding  difficult conversations that she knew she should have because of her fear of people’s emotional reaction and her discomfort with others being upset with her.

Throughout the series, she worked with and used the constructive conversation tools and principles we discussed. She didn’t just “learn” them in the seminars, she used them.

She sucked it up and had the difficult conversations.

By blending study with stepping outside her comfort zone and action, she engaged The Success Cycle.

In our coaching session, she revealed that she no longer fears those conversations or the other person being upset.

Rather than avoiding important conversations and feeling guilty about not doing her job, she is having them when needed.

And she’s getting results.

When I say she engaged in The Success Cycle, I mean she is experiencing the important “nothing breeds success like success” process that is so important to being willing to have the important conversations.

  1. When you practice the communication skills you need to learn to be more effective, you feel more confident and  hopeful that difficult conversations will go well.
  2. Because you feel more confident and hopeful, you are far more likely to actually HAVE THE CONVERSATION, rather than avoid it.
  3. Because you practiced and prepared, the conversation is far more likely to go well, leaving you with a positive outcome and a positive experience.
  4. Because you had a positive outcome and positive experience, these things happen:
    • You are going to be more willing to address difficult issues in the future because you have direct experience that these conversations can work out.
    • Because you will be more willing to have difficult conversations in the future, you will continue to get better and better, which means you will have even more confidence, and therefore your willingness to have the important conversations will continue to expand to even more challenging conversations.
    • This cycle of skill development leading to greater optimism, leading to greater willingness to have the conversations, which leads to greater skill development, continues, making you increasingly more effective and increasingly more comfortable having these conversations.

OK, so now what?

So…if you haven’t already identified what conversations you’re avoiding, do that.

  1. Reflect on the emotional turmoil it’s creating for you NOT having the conversation and CONTINUING TO HAVE THE PROBLEM because you’re not willing to have the conversation.
  2. Get cracking learning the skills that will increase the odds the conversation will go well. You can find a number of articles at my website on this. Here’s one: Let’s Talk for a Change. If you want the spiffy, printer-friendly PDF version, there’s a link at the bottom of the page.
  3. If you want either coaching on this or a program for your team, let me know.
Feb 09, 2016 | 0 comments View Post

Use a story to start off your presentation…and everyone wins!

Group of Multiethnic Cheerful People Applauding

Group of Multiethnic Cheerful People Applauding

When you start off with a story, not only is it FAR more interesting to the audience (as long as you pick the right story), it also  helps you relax.

If you start off with a story about your own experience, you will feel more relaxed because you don’t have to worry…”Now….what was that pithy saying I was going to start off with?”

Because  your story will most likely be an experience you’ve had, you won’t have to struggle to remember it, because you lived it.

Because it’s familiar to you, it’s like having a good friend right there by your side, supporting you.

So when you start off with a story, your audience wins and so do you.

Here’s an example of me starting off a presentation where I tell a story about a presentation I gave at a major conference and, at the last minute, chose a different opening story than I had planned.

Notice the story I picked and see if you can guess why I picked this story and the lesson you can extract as a speaker.

 

 

For more on how to be a better presenter and storyteller, check out the recording and handouts at:

Tell a better story. Become more interesting. Grow your business.

 

Jan 07, 2016 | 0 comments View Post

How I got a skunk to start my conference presentation

skunkHere’s a brief story about how I got a skunk to start off my conference presentation. It’s a fun example of how “stories are everywhere” and how to take a seemingly unrelated life event and use it to start off your talk.

BTW…the sound quality isn’t great, because I needed to filter out the road noise (recorded it while driving).

BTW…part II. If you’re at the Maine Startup and Create Week, I am doing a partner event on Wednesday, from 12:45 to 1:45 at O’Maine Studio. All, the scoop is below.

Now…for the story.

 

Maine Startup and Create Week Partner Event

Tell a better story. Become more interesting. Grow your business.

 

When: June 24rd · 12:45PM-1:45PM

Where: O’Maine Studio, Portland, Maine

Fee: $10 (to cover a light lunch)

A Maine Startup & Create Week Partner Program

Jun 24, 2015 | 0 comments View Post

How to use a story to pack a bigger punch

In Made to Stick, Chip and Dan Heath identify stories as one of the six keys to communicating your ideas in a way that makes them pack a bigger punch and stick in your audience’s minds…forever.

Here’s an example of this in action. This story is from a talk I gave on resilience. The technique I share in the video is what I call Instant Perspective, which basically boils down to asking “Is this going to be a big deal a year from now?”

While I could have just shared this question with audience, the audience might have likely just thought “I already know that technique.”

To make the point more interesting and more enjoyable for the audience, I wrapped the technique in this story. I’ve had people come up to me and say they heard this story years ago and have told it to their friends…that’s the power of storytelling.

 

 

For More On How to Use Stories to Become a More Interesting and Persuasive Communicator
If you want to learn more about how to use stories to make your message come alive, come to upcoming seminar:

Tell a better story. Become more interesting. Grow your business.

 

When: June 24rd · 12:45PM-1:45PM

Where: O’Maine Studio, Portland, Maine

A Maine Startup & Create Week Partner Program

For more information

Jun 23, 2015 | 0 comments View Post

How to take a “Ah hah!” moment and turn it into a teaching story

As I’ve mentioned in other blog posts, the question I get asked most frequently by people who want to use stories to become a more interesting communicator is…

“Where do you find stories to use in your presentations?”

The answer:

Everywhere.

The key:

Pay attention to when you have an “Ah hah!” or “Wow…that was cool” or “Now THAT was a surprise” moment and then ask:

  1. What are possible take away lessons?
  2. How might I use what just happened as a metaphor to explain some concept I frequently explain?

In this short video, here’s an example of this. The story is also an example of how to open a presentation with a story that both illustrates what you are going to talk about and…how what you are about to talk about will benefit the audience.

Showing the audience in the very beginning how what you will share will benefit them is a great way to grab their attention and motivate them to listen.

Stories are a powerful way to do that.

For More On How to Use Stories to Become a More Interesting and Persuasive Communicator
If you want to learn more about how to use stories to make your message come alive, come to upcoming seminar:

Tell a better story. Become more interesting. Grow your business.

 

When: June 24rd · 12:45PM-1:45PM

Where: O’Maine Studio, Portland, Maine

A Maine Startup & Create Week Partner Program

For more information

 

Jun 23, 2015 | 0 comments View Post
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